On Contemplation

Since I'm circling the drain towards the end of the manuscript, I've been thinking about the work that needs to be completed once I finish the first draft, such as re-reading, editing, re-writing here and there. I was driving home from work last night and I was behind a particularly random car, extremely neutral, and I thought that would be the perfect car for one of my antagonists to be driving. I had mentioned a make and model earlier in the book and described it as a P.O.S., but I didn't really feel like it was that junky of a car, but this one I was behind yesterday seemed to be the perfect fit. It feels great to have "ah-ha" moments like that, when everything seems to be fitting right into place.

When I started this project (three years ago... whew) I felt like this work was going to be amazing, funny, great, but now that I'm getting toward the end, I'm fearing as the story continues, it turns a bit to the mediocre. I've let a few people read the first part of the book and they laughed, were entertained, and it warmed my heart, making someone laugh is an amazing feeling.

However, on the bright side, I'm already looking forward to my next project, hoping I'll feel even better about it.

On Relief

For weeks I've been stumped on how to finish the manuscript. When I started this thing out, I knew exactly what was going to happen, how it was going to end. However, once I got into the meat and potatoes of it, the story completely changed, went in another direction, then I got to a point where the original ending just wouldn't work anymore.

Last night I had something of an epiphany. I was sitting at the computer, zoning out, and the ending came to me! It needs some polishing of course, but I've finally got the general premise of how it's going to end, it feels somewhat perfect. This dark, ominous cloud was looming over my head for the past couple of months, a sense of hopelessness that I wouldn't be able to finish this thing after all this time. The end is in sight now, three years of work will finally be completed. I'm still holding tight to my goal of completing this thing by 12/31, and I know I will do it.

On Devil's Night

Last night I went to the most amazingly decorated Halloween Party thrown by my best friend. He went the extra mile with his Parlor this year and outfitted it in funeral attire. Given that his house was built circa 1885, actual funerals did take place there, which just added to the ghoulishness. He had a good turn out as far as the crowd went, though I was expecting a few old friends to drop by, however they were no where to be seen. I did see one old friend though who in turn invited me to a party she's having tonight. I'm interested in going, but feel that it may be awkward because we're not nearly as close as we used to be. But still, she lives close by, and dropping in certainly couldn't hurt right?

The rest of this day shall entail carving pumpkins, watching horror flicks, spending time with friends, enjoying the season, and holiday. I'm on the fence as to whether or not I'll be passing out candy for the ingrate children of the neighborhood. Last year was a great success though. I dressed in a former zombie costume (pretty convincing in the dark) and laid in the grass on my front lawn under some leaves. My husband sat on the porch with the bowl of candy. I would slink to life when the passersby would least expect it, and incite terror and even some tears. Isn't that what Halloween is about? Despite making some children cry, I didn't come across any angry parents, they all amazingly took it in stride, some of them even loved the idea. And I really can't lie, startling the youngsters gave me quite a thrill. Halloween has become too sugar coated.

On Halloween

Ah, the annual ghoulie gathering shall commence tonight. I always look forward to Halloween, as it's my favorite holiday. I love dressing up and acting as someone else, hiding my face, inciting terror. It's also the only time of year I get to see some of my old friends together in one place. It used to be a guarantee that I'd see them at least a few times a year, but it seems like now everyone only comes together for Halloween. Maybe that's why it's my favorite holiday.

Tonight I'll be portraying Lizzie Borden. I've added only one feature to her attire, a blood spattered apron (which through research I found she did not wear when she murdered her parents, but I thought it would be a nice touch.) I did the spattering last night, it came out quite well, it dried a little light in color, but you can clearly see it's supposed to be blood.

Tomorrow holds horror flicks, pumpkin carving, maybe a get-together at my place? Who knows? Happy Haunting.

On Departure

What a way to begin a week. Half an hour after I arrived in the office, our front desk secretary walked out, leaving me to take the reins and pick up the slack again. I can't say I was surprised, I knew it was coming any day, and admittedly, it was something of a relief. However, it's back to square one now, I just hope the next person sticks.

Later on, I discovered that a different job that I applied for, and was very hopeful for didn't pan out. It left me very broken spirited for the rest of the day. So much so, that I went home after work and had a cocktail. Of course, I've never really needed a reason for a cocktail, heh.

This time around however, the going seems less rough because I have a hold on what I'm doing, I have a schedule (somewhat), I'm not as intimidated. I've been repeatedly coming through for this place, and I think they realize it, even though they never say it.

I'm still longing for the day when I work on my own. It will be a reality one day. I'm circling the drain on finishing the manuscript, I just don't know how to finish it now. I'm already feeling the anxiety of sending it out into the world though. I'm feeling as though my next piece will be a thousand times better than this one. Time will tell.

On Dollars

It's funny how coincidences work. I've been trying to get into a place where one of my friends works (government job) for three years with no luck. I started applying in other cities just to see where it leads to. On Monday I got a notice that one of the jobs I applied for was cancelled and given a new name and that I could reapply. I looked around on the website and noticed another opening at my friend's place and the job was closing on Monday, so I applied with the mild hope that I might be a good candidate with my extra three years of experience.

On Wednesday, my current boss gave me a dollar raise because "he doesn't want me to leave." While I'm incredibly grateful for such a raise, I still feel like I have to look out for myself and if by some chance I get offered this other job (which will pay me double to start) I have to take it. I'd be a fool not to.

Otherwise, I feel like my goal of finishing the manuscript by the end of the year is a doable, noble one, I feel it's closure within my grasp and I already have an idea for publishing. Maybe, just maybe, my one little dream will come true.

On Pets

Every day I'm feeling incredibly lucky to have such amazing animals in my life. These two are my rescues and they are just the most lovable guys. They also amaze me by how well they get along together, like two peas in a pod. They nap together, play together, sit together, and look out for each other when one of them doesn't feel good. I've had Leopold (the cat) for just over three years, and Jameson for almost two years. It didn't even take them very long to adapt to each other when Jameson came home. It was as if they were meant to be.

I don't want to leave out Paco, my parrot. Paco is special because he's been around my entire life, and then some. My mother brought him home when my brother was just a kid, and he's currently 36. Paco is odd in that he's forged bonds with cats. Not just any cats mind you. The first cat I ever got was when I was 11 years old. This cat was my best pal, he was always right where I was. It was also about the same time I befriended Paco since he didn't really seem to like either of my parents. My cat was laid back, didn't have a care in the world, so I thought I'd introduce him and Paco to each other face to face. When Paco saw that the cat never meant him any harm, he fell in love. He followed that cat where ever he went, he preened him, and got jealous when anyone touched him. Well, I had to put that cat to sleep about four years ago and Paco was just heartbroken, no more tweets or twitters escaped his beak. My parents brought a new cat into the house, but he just didn't bond with her, or the next one that came in. When I moved out on my own, I Paco came with me, and I decided that it might be time for a cat in my house. Well, I met Leopold and I knew immediately he was the cat for me. Sure enough, he shares a lot of the same characteristics my very first cat did, and Paco has fallen in love with this cat as well.

Animals have always enriched and been a part of my life. I've always had Paco, and I've always had a dog and as I've said, got my first cat at 11. For me, I can't just have one or the other, I'd like to think I'll always have a cat and a dog. I feel like, since I'm working a lot, I don't want to leave just a cat home alone or a dog home alone to be bored and lonely. I know that if they have a companion while I'm not there, they won't be completely lonely. Or maybe I'm just nuts and they don't care either way.

I just enjoy watching their interactions and their mannerisms, the way they play, the way Jameson has doggie dreams, or the way Leopold will wake me up by sitting right next to me on the bed staring me in the face. I love them for the laughs and the companionship and the way they know if something is wrong or if my husband or I don't feel well, they'll stick by us. They are amazing creatures and I'm glad to have met them.

On Obsession

Hi, my name is Kate and I have an addiction... to books! I mean, I really can't stop using. It's been nearly a lifelong addiction. I must have gone through thousands of them. Last night I purchased five more on half.com, a wonderful Ebay-esque site that feeds my addiction. I love prose, I love the stories, I love getting lost in another world, I love getting inspiration for my own work.

My husband got me a Nook for my birthday over the summer, and I'm in love with it. It's portable, I can take thousands of books with me anywhere I go and not worry about my covers getting bent, or lugging around two or three books at a time. The one drawback is, I'm a bargain shopper. If I can get a physical book cheaper on above referenced website, I can't see myself purchasing it through B&N. Sometimes however, there are some great steals, and of course I purchase whatever book on the Nook.

Here's to looking forward to feeding my addiction. Can't wait for the new books to arrive.

On Relapse

I got roughly ten pages down on the manuscript last week. It was the first time I worked on it in over two months. I suppose since the seasons are changing again and it's cooling down, I might find myself writing more often than not, and I might even meet my goal of finishing the manuscript by the end of the year. Man, I'm only giving myself three months now, we'll see how that pans out.

I feel the anxiety creeping back in. I feel it working it's way back into my bones, into my core. I keep trying to work out it naturally, without medication, by exercising, thinking soothing thoughts, deep breathing, and so on. I'm keeping it somewhat at bay at the moment, it's not affecting me daily... yet, it's not eating at me and causing me to lose twenty pounds again, it's not making me a recluse, afraid to leave the comfort of my home for fear that something might set me off. I've been to two different shrinks, the first one didn't really help, the second one was a bit more helpful admittedly, but there's only so far I could go. I don't think head therapy is too helpful for me. Medication definitely helps, why wouldn't it? However, I don't want to have to rely on a little pill to keep me even keeled, to keep me at bay. While the medication is amazing, it also makes me feel numb because I'm prescribed such a high dosage. I don't feel anger, I don't feel sad, I don't feel overly happy, I just am, and I hate that feeling, which of course is why I decided to go off it again probably six months ago or so. I'd been doing fine up until a few months ago.

I believe my current work situation is setting me off. I know I shouldn't let it. It's just a job, I shouldn't let it get to me, but I mean, I'm here, in this office the majority of my day, forty hours a week, that's a lot of time. It's an admittedly toxic environment, and I've been trying to rid myself of this place, but the current job market being as it is, I can't exactly risk not having a paycheck with my current responsibilities.

So, in the meantime, I'll try to keep the beast at bay so it doesn't get quite as bad as it's been in the past, but there's never any guarantees, it's just a wait and see game.

On Summer's End

I'm always sad when summer comes to an end. The hot summer days spent hanging out at the lake, swimming, summer vacation, hammocking with my favorite little Chihuahua, and so on. I miss the stunning red hot summer sunsets, or the way the pink sky reflects off the water. I miss the carefree feeling of the entire season.

However, I do always look forward to fall. I love cider mills, pumpkins, Halloween, fingerless gloves, and hoodies. I always look forward to the pumpkin patch and baking fall like goodies. I look forward to a cooler house and cooler nights with the windows open, feeling the crisp fall air on my face while I sleep.

So, on saying farewell to summer, I'll say that it was a nice one. Many trips to the park were enjoyed, a trip to Tawas, Higgin's Lake were enjoyed, and then a small tour of Michigan, up to the U.P., St. Ignace and Munising, and down to Traverse City, I've seen a lot of beautiful things my state has to offer. There were bonfires, evening walks, stargazing nights, and a lot of hot, sticky nights thanks to the weather.

Now I can look forward to the impending season, watching the colors change on a little mini-holiday next month, Halloween parties, and Halloween itself (my favorite holiday.) Goodbye sweet summer, see you next year. Welcome harvest season!