Sometimes I feel like I'm 17 again. It only lasts for but a moment, just a small period in time, and it's invigorating to not feel my actual age for a few moments... to feel ageless.
I had that sensation this evening, just briefly. Gazing up at the clear, star filled sky, watching Orion, I felt like a teenager with my whole life ahead of me, bound for anything, endless possibilities lay ahead. I could be anything, do anything with my life.
This isn't to say I'm some dried up old crow circling the drain. I suppose I'm technically in the prime of my life, living my best years perhaps. However, I feel like I haven't gone anywhere.
When I was getting ready to graduate high school, I had two different visions of how my life would be at this age. The first, was idyllic, sort of my own fantasy that I knew wouldn't come true. The second was more realistic, ordinary, safe. I'm living the second. It's somewhat terrifying living the life you expected for yourself.
When I was younger and in school, I really had no idea what I wanted to do with myself, what I wanted my profession to be. I wanted to go into journalism, but college counselors told me that was a fruitless pursuit, so I decided to go into education. Again, I was steered away. I thought... I should do something safe, something that would garner me a job when I got out of school, something that would allow me to support myself, medical coding. I hated it, I dropped it almost as quickly as I adopted it. It was then that I decided, I'd just find an office job to tide me over until I figure myself out.
I suppose deep down I've always wanted to be a writer. I've always loved literature, even from a young age. I've always been an avid reader, and have been writing silly little stories since I was 6. This manuscript that I've finished, while it might not be total garbage, definitely is not my best work, it's not memorable, it's not much of anything. I'm not expecting it to be well received. But I'm going to thrust it out into the world anyway and move on to the next, it's the only way.
I've got a very small circle of friends. only one of which has remained constant, going on 17 years now. I've always just had a small circle of friends. I've never been one to have dozens and dozens of people around me. I'm private, withholding, reclusive.
My high school circle that I was so close with has withered away. Except, three of them still see and talk to each other regularly, just not to me. They each have their own lives, but haven't included me in it. We just grew apart I suppose. Though, online they act like nothing has changed.
My more adult circle is different in that, everyone already had their own lives, but I suppose common interest and personalities meshed together. My husband had his own circle of friends, which he included me in, I had my own which I included him in, and then we meshed our two circles together. And one person from his circle has to stuck one person in my circle, (my friend of 17 years) and it feels like she's taking my place, and quite frankly, it's making me a bit jealous.
Of course, I know I really have no right to be jealous, what can I expect really? I mean, I did say I was withholding and reclusive. Especially when I have horrible bouts of anxiety. Sometimes it gets so bad, I just want to hole up in my house and not leave unless I have to. Therefore, I've turned down a lot of plans. I certainly can't blame my friend for turning to someone who doesn't say no all the time. And while it hurts to not even get asked anymore, on some level, I understand.
I just feel as though all these people who I was once so close to are moving on, and I'm still in the same place I was. Not moving forward, but just staying still, observing, withdrawing.
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