On an Inconsequential Book Review #1

Who am I to start writing off the cuff book reviews? No one, right? You're correct. I'm just an every day reader, like most people. However, if I hear a book is good from someone I know, then I'll consider looking in to it, in an effort to branch out and not be stuck in the horror genre, or the morbidly fabulous death care non-fiction reads. See, I'm trying to expand my horizons. In the vein, my big plan here is to read a book, then write a review for you guys, and then you can decide whether or not it sounds like something you might to spend some time on. But seriously, I'm just trying to push literature on you people.

So, here we go. I collected a stack of books over the last month, because I read an article relating to Stephen King, (one of my literary heroes, if you weren't sure.) He listed several books that scared the hell out of him. I mulled this over for a moment, I mean, what book, or collection of books could scare this guy? I thought to myself, these books really must be something to get a "shout out" from such a great writer. I got to work looking through the titles and doing some minute research. I read the synopsis for each one, and honestly, they all sounded pretty damn good. I got to work collecting. I will make this disclaimer, this review and others will contain spoilers, so if you're actually thinking of reading any of these books, keep that in mind.

You by Caroline Kepnes was a good read. It went quick, it kept me engaged, I mean, I sort of knew how everything was going to pan out in the end, but wanted to muddle through just for shits and giggles.

The book centers on Joe, a book store clerk, who in my mind from the beginning is probably a slimy, toad-looking scum bag. Beck walks into his store, and he's immediately smitten. She's attractive, of course, a writer, she throws down some books to buy which just makes Joe swoon even further. Immediately, the stalking begins.

Now, the first five chapters or so are just laden with name dropping. It's all, Stephen King this, Stephen King that. Stephen King's new book, Dr. Sleep. I thought to myself, no wonder he recommends this book, look at all the free press, shit! It passed, eventually, but it almost got to the point where I wanted to give up reading, because it was a bit too much.

We follow Joe as he begins following Beck. He follows her from a bar into the subway, where this dumb bitch is wasted off her ass and tumbles into the railway. Of course, Joe is there to rescue her before she gets splattered all over the rails. Blah, blah, blah, he's a hero and so charming. They get into a cab together, and he "wants to make sure she gets home alright," boom, he knows where she lives. She conveniently leaves her cell phone in the cab, so he keeps it for himself and starts hacking her email and social media accounts.

He works his way into her life based on this encounter. Naturally she has a boyfriend, or rather, some dip shit druggie she thinks she's in love with. Long story short, this guy is getting in the way of Beck and Joe's future relationship. Joe abducts him while cleverly posting "tweets" from said dip shit's account about how he's going on a bender, then he miraculously disappears.

As we get further in to the book, Joe and Beck actually start a relationship, all the while Joe is hoarding items he's stolen from her apartment and he's obsessively checking her emails, phone calls, and social media accounts. Beck does the normal ebb and flow with the relationship. "Oh, I'm so in to Joe..." "I don't know if I really want to relationship with him." She's friends with a couple other cronies who she commiserates with about Joe, which sends him off the deep end. One friend in particular, "Peach" who is the most overbearing, controlling, self centered of the bunch wants Beck to get rid of Joe permanently. Again, this is someone getting in the way of their relationship, so Joe follows them to Nantucket where the cryptic emails and tweets start up again with Peach. She's running on the beach one morning where he's lurking behind a rock. He hauls ass behind her, tackles her to the ground like an all star quarter back and chokes her out. Her pockets are filled with rocks and she's promptly deposited into the ocean.

Oh, but there's one more antagonist ruining Joe and Beck's relationship. Dr. Nicky, Beck's shrink, about 20 years her senior, married, with kids. Naturally Joe sets up an appointment to see if this guy is a threat. After a couple of sessions, he decides Dr. Nicky is a cool cat. Eventually though, Beck pulls away and says she needs some time away from Joe. He breaks into her apartment and finds a new laptop and a secret email in which she converses with Dr. Nicky about their sordid affair. Joe is furious, here's one more ass hat that's got to go. He stalks Dr. Nicky around town and happens upon him with his wife. Well, he decides Dr. Nicky is miserable enough just being with his wife that death would be too good for him.

Instead, it's Beck's turn for abduction. He knocks her out and brings her to the basement of the bookstore where the owner and his boss has set up a cage for specialty books. Lo and behold, this is where Beck ends up. He gives her literary tests, and they end up reading The DaVinci Code together for whatever reason. She's really playing it off like everything will be alright and they'll go on with their relationship as it was before. Naturally, they end up rutting like rabbits and he feels confident that they're back on track so he leaves the cage and basement door unlocked, big surprise, this bitch tries to high tail it out of there. Big mistake. Now it's her turn to be choked out, thrown in a trunk, and buried in a remote area.    

Was I terrified by this book? No. I mean, I can see, having someone invade your space and your life that sufficiently is a frightening concept, but I didn't have trouble sleeping while reading this book, which is ultimately what I was looking for. To be honest the only book I've ever read that literally scared me and kept me from sleeping was The Amityville Horror. Now, that book, will haunt your dreams, and your waking hours too. All in all, like I said, it was a good read, entertaining, if only mildly predictable, but it did its job in keeping me reading until the end.

On Shit My Kid Says

I'm amazed at what comes out of G-Money's mouth sometimes. "Kids say the darnedest things," right? He's two, he's extremely inquisitive for a two year old. We carry on full conversations, the rate at which he's picking up on dialect is frightening and amazing. Here's a sample of some of the more outlandish and vulgar things that fly out of his mouth:

• Upon waking up the other day, he grabbed his stuffed cat, held it in my face and said, "Mom, my cat's dead, he's not alive, he's dead!." I believe he was relating this to the dead rabbit we saw on our walk the night before.
• While driving to grandma and papa's house, under my breath, I let a "son of a bitch" out. G didn't acknowledge it. Later on, he was convinced there was a bug stuck to his shoe, so he began scraping on the patio wall. The "bug" was not coming off his shoe, his response was, "Son of a bitch bug won't come off my shoe!" Noted, my kid has bionic ears.
• 99.9% of the time, he's awesome in public places. He gets dragged along to a lot of boring stuff, like shopping. However, he loves the lingerie section at clothes stores. His eyes light up, and he says, "Mom, look at all the boobies! I have to touch those boobies!" 
• In relation to bras and boobies, he often tells me I need to take my boobies off.
• He enjoys his bodily functions, and what boy doesn't? He alerts us all to farts, poop, burps, coughs, boogers, and so on. "I'm farting, I'm pooping, I've burped, it was a good burp." When coughing he makes sure to tell us he's sick. "Mom, I've got boogers, get the boogers out of my nose." 
• In bouts of frustration, he has the mouth of a sailor, much like his mother. He'll belt out, shit, dammit, the occasional "F" bomb, and the like. He uses these terms in context because he pays too much attention to me while I talk.
• If his cousin is around and has filled his diaper with #1, G will announce that "A is a piss-pot!" 
• The other day when grandma and papa were going home, he announced he wanted to go with them. I explained that they didn't have a car sear in their car. He came back with, "Well, papa can hold me in the car." The boy is using deductive reasoning. It won't be long  before he outsmarts me now.
• "Dad, you're harshing my mellow."
• "Shut your lips, Boogie!"

Of course, I realize a two year old shouldn't be dropping the curse words like a seasoned adult. It's not like we don't correct him when he lets one fly. We don't say, "Shit, baby, way to use the F bomb." Instead we say, "Hey man, those are grown up words, not for babies." And he's like, whatever, and goes on to something else.

He's at a great age where he can communicate what he wants and what he doesn't want. "Yes, I'd like the fruity Cheerios." "No, I don't want granola." "I'd like to pee on the potty." You get my point. He'll read along in his books and randomly recite part of the book to me while we're playing outside or doing chores.

I enjoy the normal, every day conversation with him, but I also love the oddities that come out of his mouth, even the curse words, because everyone needs a laugh now and then. Don't worry, I secretly laugh as to not encourage the cursing, jeez.

What sort of off the wall things have you heard your kids or kids you know say?