On More Shit My Kid Says

We're coming up on three years of parenthood. I like to believe I'm getting the hang of this whole "motherhood" thing. With every passing day, I'm seeing more of myself in G-Money. I've decided he's the unfiltered version of me. He's very quiet and inquisitive. He's shy, he doesn't like very many people. He knows what he wants and what he doesn't. He'll size up a person before deciding whether or not they're an asshole. He's been delving deeper into the whole reasoning scenario. He's quite good at stating his case. He sometimes flies off the handle if I don't make his meals correctly. Sometimes he wakes up convinced that his favorite movie characters are dead and I have to talk him down. Then again, he's three. Most of the time, he makes me laugh my ass off. Being almost three, he also says whatever is on his mind, he's at that blissful age where he doesn't give a shit about the repercussions of anything he says. It's wonderful for him since he doesn't have to care, a little mortifying for a parent.

Case in point. We went to the park over the weekend. When you have a child, you sort of lose any shred of dignity you ever had right there in the doctor's office, and if you didn't lose it there, that shit is gone by the time you reach the delivery room. Perfect strangers have seen more than you've ever cared to show anyone. Your spouse or partner probably also received an eyeful and either immediately vomited, passed out, or is scarred for life by the gore that confronted them while watching the "miracle of life." But, I digress... while he was busy playing and having a whale of a time, mommy had to use the bathroom. I must add, public park bathrooms are detestable. I know that you know this, there's no further explanation needed. The situation went down like this:

Me: Hey bud, we need to take a pause from playing, mommy has to use the bathroom.
G: Oh yeah? Where's the bathroom?
Me: It's that brown building, way over there.
G: Okay, I'll meet you there!

G proceeded to tear ass across the park at full speed with no hopes of me catching up to him. If I wanted to skip using the bathroom all together, I probably could have chased after him at full speed.

Me: Hey, thanks for standing here and waiting for me, that was good, but someone could have snatched you away.

G: Everyone's pooping, they can't get me. Where's the girls' potty?

LOL

Me: Just around the corner here, bud.

Walking in.... G: It smells in here mama.

Me: Yes, well... it's a public bathroom..

Found a relatively clean stall and latched us in...

G: Mama! We're locked in this prison like jailbirds! Why's the door locked?
Me: It's a public bathroom, you need closed off areas to do your business.
G: It's a prison!

He proceeds to try to peak under the stall to see what's going on...

G: Mama, that girl is peeing in there and she's wearing green flip flops.
Me: Buddy, you can't peak under the stall, that's inappropriate, everyone needs their privacy.
G: You said it was a PUBLIC bathroom.

Shit... the kid has a point

Me: True, but even though it's a public bathroom, people do private business in here that you can't see. You don't want strangers seeing you naked do you?
G: That doesn't make any sense mommy.

Another lady may have expelled some gas in another stall, the boy proceeds to unleash his maniacal laugh.

G: That girl farted! She's pooping in there!

And that's where the mortification set in. Laughter from the girls waiting in line erupted.

Me: Shhh... we don't need to announce what's going on in here, everyone already knows.
G: If we know, then why are you shhhing me?
Me: Okay, we're done, let's go wash our hands... and hope no one says anything about the opinionated little boy in the ladies room.

As we're walking out, the boy in his beach wear and sunglasses, strutting out of the bathroom, the girls in line were all like... "Oh my God, he's so cute!" This led me to believe that he'll be able to say whatever is on his mind in the future as long as he remains strikingly handsome.

In the moment, I wanted to clamp my hand over his tiny little mouth to keep his hilarious observations at bay, but by then, I had already touched the stall door to close and latch it. Think of the fecal matter flying all over that mother, I couldn't contaminate my child with poo. Seriously though, it was hilarious. Luckily, most of the dialogue occurred behind closed doors, and we were able to usher our way out quickly with mommy's head down.

What it all boils down to is, he's going to say what's on his mind, and it's wonderfully freeing. I envy him for that. Right now he's not bogged down by having to filter himself, he doesn't care what other people think, he's just being himself. It's not like he's a lunatic just spewing out everything little thought all the time, but he's carefree.

So carefree in fact that as he spotted a random fly buzzing around grandma and papa's house yesterday, he grabbed the flyswatter and reported: "I'm going to smack the piss out of him!"  

On Shit My Kid Says

I'm amazed at what comes out of G-Money's mouth sometimes. "Kids say the darnedest things," right? He's two, he's extremely inquisitive for a two year old. We carry on full conversations, the rate at which he's picking up on dialect is frightening and amazing. Here's a sample of some of the more outlandish and vulgar things that fly out of his mouth:

• Upon waking up the other day, he grabbed his stuffed cat, held it in my face and said, "Mom, my cat's dead, he's not alive, he's dead!." I believe he was relating this to the dead rabbit we saw on our walk the night before.
• While driving to grandma and papa's house, under my breath, I let a "son of a bitch" out. G didn't acknowledge it. Later on, he was convinced there was a bug stuck to his shoe, so he began scraping on the patio wall. The "bug" was not coming off his shoe, his response was, "Son of a bitch bug won't come off my shoe!" Noted, my kid has bionic ears.
• 99.9% of the time, he's awesome in public places. He gets dragged along to a lot of boring stuff, like shopping. However, he loves the lingerie section at clothes stores. His eyes light up, and he says, "Mom, look at all the boobies! I have to touch those boobies!" 
• In relation to bras and boobies, he often tells me I need to take my boobies off.
• He enjoys his bodily functions, and what boy doesn't? He alerts us all to farts, poop, burps, coughs, boogers, and so on. "I'm farting, I'm pooping, I've burped, it was a good burp." When coughing he makes sure to tell us he's sick. "Mom, I've got boogers, get the boogers out of my nose." 
• In bouts of frustration, he has the mouth of a sailor, much like his mother. He'll belt out, shit, dammit, the occasional "F" bomb, and the like. He uses these terms in context because he pays too much attention to me while I talk.
• If his cousin is around and has filled his diaper with #1, G will announce that "A is a piss-pot!" 
• The other day when grandma and papa were going home, he announced he wanted to go with them. I explained that they didn't have a car sear in their car. He came back with, "Well, papa can hold me in the car." The boy is using deductive reasoning. It won't be long  before he outsmarts me now.
• "Dad, you're harshing my mellow."
• "Shut your lips, Boogie!"

Of course, I realize a two year old shouldn't be dropping the curse words like a seasoned adult. It's not like we don't correct him when he lets one fly. We don't say, "Shit, baby, way to use the F bomb." Instead we say, "Hey man, those are grown up words, not for babies." And he's like, whatever, and goes on to something else.

He's at a great age where he can communicate what he wants and what he doesn't want. "Yes, I'd like the fruity Cheerios." "No, I don't want granola." "I'd like to pee on the potty." You get my point. He'll read along in his books and randomly recite part of the book to me while we're playing outside or doing chores.

I enjoy the normal, every day conversation with him, but I also love the oddities that come out of his mouth, even the curse words, because everyone needs a laugh now and then. Don't worry, I secretly laugh as to not encourage the cursing, jeez.

What sort of off the wall things have you heard your kids or kids you know say?