On the Grind

Christmas has passed. The last week of the year is usually pretty lax. The boss is out of town all week, looking forward to another long weekend this week. After New Year's there's really nothing left to look forward to in the way of time off until May, for Memorial Day.

Christmas in and of itself was okay this year, despite it not feeling like Christmas at all since it was relatively mild and brown and dreary. Spent time with my family which I'm always grateful for. Nothing was wrong at the home front which is always a plus. I received a huge stack of books which will keep me reading for at least a few months before I have to replenish my quene. I'm glad it's over though, because now I can start eating like a normal human being again.

I haven't worked on the book at all for a month (huge slacker) for various reasons. I feel like I really ought to get back to work on it this week. I'm much further behind on it then I'd like to be, especially if I'm hoping to release it this summer. Perhaps if I give myself a deadline for where I'd like to be in the book at what date, that might help. Plus the hoopla of the holidays being might help me refocus on my work.

On Realization

Christmas is only days away. I finished the shopping this past Sunday (mostly.) Wrapping must commence, baking, packaging, etc. It still doesn't feel like Christmas. I keep trying to get in the mood by listening to Christmas songs at my desk, it's not helping. Add in the fact that the weather is a little warmer than normal and there's no snow on the ground and the obvious event that still seems surreal. Today is his birthday, he'd be 29. Dinner plans for the evening to wrap my best friend in love.

Work has been frustrating, I'm letting it stress me out more than I should. It really shouldn't bother me as much as I let it. Although, my boss surprised me with a Christmas something, completely unexpected, but makes me feel appreciated and valued.

I took a leap and sold my Jeep last night, made some cash off it, went and bought a brand new car, 2012 Dodge Caliber. I've never had a brand new car before, they've always been used. As J says, get whatever you want before you turn 30. I've already done so. I purchased my first dslr camera last month and I've fallen in love and now there's a new auto in my life.

There's talks of traveling to New Orleans in February in a group. I'm on the fence about going, for various reasons, but it's somewhere I've always wanted to go. I can't help but think of the photography and the possible material I could garner for my writing. I guess I ought to stop being so wishy washy.

On Loss

I was oh so looking forward to Thanksgiving weekend. Spending time with my family and friends, attending my ten year high school reunion, relaxing, celebrating J's birthday, not working for four days. All of that came crashing down on Thanksgiving night.

Dinner was amazing. His family and mine gathered around the traditional huge table and feasted on everything we usually do every year. There was laughter, it wasn't as somber as it was last year, it was a flat out great day. Later in the evening, I received a call from my best friend, hysterically telling me that his boyfriend passed away. The scene was one of the most unnerving possible. Shock and anger overtook me, followed by immense grief and sadness. The weekend was a sleep deprived blur, and so was the majority of last week. This unfortunate event put everything in perspective however. It's quite jilting to see someone the same age as you laying in a box. There's confusion and sadness lingering, and concern for my friend who seems to have the worst luck for someone who is such an amazing person.

On one side of the spectrum, I'm feeling very disconnected like I'm a spectator watching everything, the days seem to be passing entirely too quickly. It doesn't feel like Christmas, the cheer is gone this year. On the other end of the spectrum, I find myself trying to make an active point of being engaged because it's abundantly clear that every day matters. The little things that bother me shouldn't matter, and right now they almost don't. This experience has changed me already, I've noticed that I'm a little warmer, and I'd like to stay that way. I always try to keep people at a distance, I don't want anyone to know the true me, well, I guess this is the time to let the walls fall down.

I'll miss the time we spent, and how happy you made him. You were a light in all of our lives and you'll never be forgotten. You're always in our hearts and minds, and we know you'll be with us all the days of our lives.

On Realizing Loss

Yes, I think I've finally come to grips with it. The past is, well, in the past. My clique of old school friends has dwindled, everyone has grown up and moved on with their own lives. The only two that remain are my good friend MB and myself. There was another MB in our group, but he has split off, living a whole other world, an hour or so away, and kudos to him. The others, the others are relatively near, and the three of them, they still remain close knit, they see each other regularly, they choose to exclude MB and myself. Despite various efforts to reconnect and bring the circle back together, the three have remained on their own, without any true interest to intermingle.

I suppose this is the way of life, growing up. Things change, people change, situations change. In my naive teenage mind, a decade ago, I had hopes that things wouldn't really change this much, that this situation wouldn't have happened. But in the back of my mind, in that grown up, recessed, dark corner of my mind, I sort of knew, things were going to change drastically.

And now with a ten year high school reunion coming up in a few weeks, I find myself sitting on the fence as to whether or not I want to attend. I find that only MB and I are the only ones considering it. It appears that the majority of the people going are the douche bags we never spoke to while we were in school. So why would we want to pay to spend an evening with these people now? Maybe said douche bags are no longer douchey, or maybe they are douchier than ever. I suppose there's only one way to find out.

On NaNoWriMo

It's here again. Last year was my first year participating, and I actually won. "A" for effort right? Of course, there are no prizes or anything, just the satisfaction of writing a whole freakin' novel in a month. Of course, I scoured over it and made changes, did a massive overhaul, did a lot of editing and turned it into my first novel, Stress Test. I'm planning on participating again this year, though I have no illusions about winning. I feel like I'll make a good go of it though, I'll make some massive progress, and at least I'll be able to say that.

Besides, November here in the Mitten is generally a good month for writing. The weather is crappy, it's dark most of the day and it's something to do to keep from being overly depressed. You can't be depressed if your mind of working on something creative right?

Though, on the other hand, I've got the guilt that I'm not spending enough time with my family. That family being, J, and the fur/feather babies. So mostly I think, oh, there will be another day/time to write, I'm going to hang out with J before he goes to work. Or, the dog needs someone to play with him, because the cat is just sitting on the back of the couch like a bump on a log. Other times I think... just give me an hour to write something down, and then I can feel a little accomplishment.

On Halloween Weekend

Halloween Weekend is finally upon us. Let me just say, Halloween is my favorite holiday and I've been commemorating the holiday by watching cheesy horror/slasher flicks.

Last weekend included the Mt. Clemens Zombie Walk in which I went dressed as a zombie Reagan. Some kid thought I was Nixon... dumbass. In any case, zombie Reagan was a hit, everyone wanted their picture taken with him.

This weekend includes two Halloween parties, one of which is tonight. I'm looking forward to a devilishly ghoulish time. The other party is tomorrow night, still not sure if I'll be attending (way too long of a story.) I may convince the old man to stay home from work and perhaps he and I will go do something ghoulish.

I always try to keep the Halloween spirit around at work. I have a hideous orange corduroy blazer I bought around 6 or 7 years ago, simply because I had to have it because it was so ugly. In any case, I plan to wear that on Monday along with black pants and my standard cheesy pumpkin necklace. I usually get made fun of for dressing the part, but I don't even care because as I said, I enjoy the holiday. Fuck em' if they can't take a joke.

On Expanding Horizons

Working full time and sometimes after hours leaves little time and energy for me to do my own work, writing work. Since I decided to do all the book work on my own, publishing, formatting, editing, cover art, advertising, I'm finding myself feeling very lax about actually doing the work. Of course, it's always been a problem of mine, laziness that is, and procrastination. One would think that since this is something I truly want to do for myself, I'd be a little more involved and obsessed with it.

In any case... my mother has been running all over town doing her own version of PR for me. She stopped in a local bookstore and asked if they'd carry my books, and asked about a book signing. I then took her lead and followed up with them. I've got a meeting with one of the owners next Tuesday to discuss putting my books in their store, and possibly setting up a book signing. Granted, a signing should have taken place immediately when the book came out, but initially it wasn't my intention to try and put it in bookstores. Plus, well... it's only been six months, it's still relatively new right?

I have no illusions that I'll ever be somebody, that I'll be able to make a living off of writing (one can hope though,) but at least I'd like to entertain people, and I think I've done just that with the few people who actually took the time to read my book, and for them, I am extremely grateful.

On False Information

I've tried to advertise the crap out of Stress Test online anyway. I've been pimping it on my Facebook, Twitter, and this blog of course, and from this advertisement I've had a number of people, some of which I haven't seen since high school tell me that they in fact picked up a copy of the book, either via paperback or e-Book. Since we're in the digital revolution, and I've done all the publishing work on my own, I'm able to check the sales out online. According the my sales statistics, these people who claim to have bought the book in fact appear to be liars, with pants constantly on fire, the statistics don't lie my friends. However, I did see that an overwhelming amount of people downloaded the free sample. It's my guess that the ones who've claimed to have bought it just downloaded the free sample.

With this in mind, since I'm working on my second novel, I'm thinking that I'll do what traditional publishers do, just offer the book in physical form maybe for the first year, and then also offer it in e-Book style. Or maybe I'll try to keep up with the integrity of physical books and just offer actual books. On the other hand, that's not exactly environmentally friendly. It's quite a pickle.

I've got another interested book store willing to carry my book, and they may even host a book signing event, they said I could plan it for whenever I want. I'm thinking, maybe the second Saturday in December. It would be perfect for Christmas right? Plus, it would bring people into their store to find Christmas gifts, a win-win perhaps?

On Winter Itch

Winter is not nearly in the air, but it's foreboding. It's hanging in the shadows waiting to rear its ugly head. Granted, we've got about two more months of Fall left, but with the recent weather in the Mitten, it's feeling like Winter is not too far behind. I know this jag of weather will pass, we'll see some sun shining days soon, with cooler temps of course, but nothing frigid. But, knowing that Winter is closer than ever brings one's spirits down. Being trapped inside, having to rush through icy air to the next warm place, bundling up to even go outside, it's quite disheartening. However, it's also the natural course of things around here.

Don't get me wrong. I love the beginning of Winter, the first snowfall, getting mesmerized by a snow storm, I look forward to white Christmases, maybe even a snowy New Year, but it's when we get into January, when there's nothing left to look forward to that Winter really drags one's soul down to the depths. It's depressing around here until roughly May. Though, experiencing the four seasons is quite exemplary, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

On Selling Out

After reading various blogs and new reels on how Amazon is working its way into the publishing racket, I've decided that while I'm proponent of Indie bookstores and everything they stand for, and I love them to pieces by the way, I might as well try to hop on Amazon's train to see if they'll become my publisher.

Granted, my book, Stress Test is currently available on Amazon and it's published through their affiliate, Create Space. But this is me doing everything on my own because I wanted to see what the feedback would be on my first full length novel, and it's been great. I was thinking, I probably won't make much with this debut, and I've been reading that it would be hell to get a traditional publishing house to sign you, I basically wanted to get my story out there, to entertain, and that it has. Now I'm thinking, it's time to take the next step. Even if Amazon doesn't do much advertising, at least I'd have an actual publisher to relinquish some of the work I would have to do, ie: formatting, corrections, etc. Of course, I'm not completely sure that they would even do this, it's something I'll have to research, but what harm could come from submitting my manuscript to see if they'll pick me up? After all, I'd like to think that I've got the potential to make money someday.

On the other end of the spectrum, Amazon might as well be The Man and said Man might be keeping me down. They're throwing their weight around to put a lot of publishing houses, out of business, and of course, potentially book stores, which I don't agree with. I love walking into a book store, specifically the aforementioned Indie stores and getting lost within the stacks to see what kind of gem I can find. I'll even wander around a Barnes & Noble for a while, but those Indie stores really have my heart. I'm not looking for those stores to get shut down, I'm not looking for the traditional print books to disappear, lost to e-Books. In an ideal world everything would remain as-is, but if being affiliated with Amazon to get my name out there, and get me known without having to deal with a traditional publishing house who wouldn't work much for me once a book is published is what I have to do, then so be it.

On Miracles

Last night Jay got me to watch a documentary on the Gerson Miracle. Normally, I roll my eyes at most documentaries he presents me with, but some are actually quite fascinating, like the one we watched last night. Long story short, the Gerson Miracle consists of a natural diet of raw juices and a few coffee colonics (not so pleasant) to help cure an array of ailments, cancer being one of the big ones. In this documentary were testimonials of people who actually dealt with cancer, some of whom tried chemo, and when that didn't work, were told to go home to die. When they started on the Gerson diet, they started feeling better and fuller of life within days. In time their tumors shrank and disappeared, eventually leaving them cancer free. When weighing your options of poisoning your body with the toxic chemicals involved with chemotherapy or flooding your body with natural, organic foods to restore your healthy cells, which would you really choose?

Jay has been juicing now steadily for most of the year. It's not his strict diet of course, but he does drink a lot of raw juices, getting me to take a sip here and there. It's an acquired taste as we're so prone to having a taste for artificial sweeteners and sugar that something organic tastes like dirt to us, at least it does to me. After watching this documentary though, I really feel that it's worth it to make a point of creating my own juices and mixtures if only on a preventative front. Why should I pad the doctor's pockets with my hard earned money when I can ensure my own health without drugs or chemicals?

On the Autumnal Equinox

I'm few days late... and a few dollars short (as always) but still, I must recognize the changing of the seasons. The weather has been somewhat Fall-like, but I find I'm still not ready to let go of summer. I'm still wearing skirts to work sans hose, I'll still even wear an open toed sandal depending on what the temperature will be. Yes, I'm quite the daredevil.

I enjoy fall because of the bright, blazing beauty of it. I imagine within the next few weeks, we'll see the colors turn, and the leaves will slowly begin to fall. I enjoy crisper temperatures, especially when the summer scorches (and since there is no air conditioning in my home) the cooler temps can be a relief. I look forward to getting lost in an over sized comforter with my Chihuahua to keep warm. I look forward to pumpkin patches, cider mills, fingerless gloves, hoodies, knit hats, and Halloween parties.

It's also a prime season for photography. So in my adventures (one possibly to the pumpkin patch this weekend with the husband and dog) I'll bring the ol' camera and see what kind of shots I can capture, maybe I'll click something good.

On Three Years Later...

The rain started falling early in the morning, and I know this because I was up around 7:00AM. I had hopes that by time the ceremony rolled around, the rain would taper off, for the outdoor ceremony. The big rain drops fell in sheets the entire day. I ran around under a rain jacket and golf umbrella after getting my hair put together. I sat on the stoop of my parent's entryway watching the rain fall, feeling the humidity, cursing Mother Nature.

I dodged puddles with my father, brother, and best friend. The men willingly got wet so that I wouldn't. Thank goodness for the big, beautiful stone shelter. We were married by the sound of rain drops falling all around us. The sky was still open as we hopped along the sidewalk, racing to the car. The pouring rain was forgotten as danced the night away, safely tucked into a hall.

We arrived home at the end of the night as newlyweds to find our cat wide eyes and leaving wet paw prints across the wooden living room floor. We went upstairs to find a small lake in our bedroom, a waterfall cascading through the window. After taping a tarp to the window and cleaning up the water, we fell into bed, exhausted from the day's events, hoping to get a few hours of sleep before jetting off on our honeymoon.

The weather today of course, on our three year anniversary is idyllic, it would have been wonderful if our day had been nearly as nice as this one.

On Ruts

Boy am I stuck in one. My mind is thinking, man I really want to write, I want to get that story down. But I just don't sit myself down and work on it. I mean, I did the other day, but found myself increasingly frustrated and distracted because I didn't know where I wanted the story to go at the particular point that it's at. I know when it's finished, it's going to be a great story, and hopefully memorable and entertaining, but in the back of my mind, I just want it to be done already. That won't happen unless of course I work on it.

Working on it should be become increasingly easier with the changing of the seasons. As I stay inside more, I can't help but set some time aside for writing.

The reading side of me is in full swing though. I've been burning through books like nobody's business. I just finished The Uninvited yesterday, it's supposed to be a true story regarding the Union Screaming House. Admittedly, parts of it creeped me out to the point where I couldn't sleep, but that's what I get for reading ghost stories in bed. I started Grave's End yesterday also, supposedly another true haunting story. I've been on a true haunting story kick since reading The Amityville Horror a few books back.

I love getting lost in a story, now I just need to find the desire to get lost in my own so I can finish this thing by next summer like I'm planning.

On New Beginnings

A week or so ago, I changed the beginning of my second book, Rogue. On my father's advice of course. Mainly, the main character's job needed to be changed in order to change the situation, so she went from being a waitress in a diner, to an artist renting space next to said diner. (The interaction of the diner is sort of important.) I wasn't too keen on what I had written when I had written it, but I re-read it yesterday, and I really sort of like it now. It's amazing how a piece of your own writing can really grow on you.

I keep saying that this book is going to be my breakthrough, that this is the one that should garner the most attention, but we'll see about that. I'll have to do a little extra advertising next time around, especially if I don't want to be a little office cronie until the day I retire.

Speaking of office cronies, yet another office manager has decided to leave us, this time with notice however. That notice doesn't help much since it was on the eve of a holiday weekend and her last day is tomorrow and... we've not hired a new person yet. Things will certainly be out of sorts probably for the next year again, that is if this next person or persons decide to stay. In the meantime, we'll all be in limbo. Especially me, since I know every job and responsibility around that place. Though... I really can't say I'm surprised.

The office party last week was a good time by the way. I should elaborate, the first few hours were more than lame, listening to teenagers be angsty and hearing girls sing men's songs, classics nevertheless, however, as the sun prepared to set, and the good band as I say prepared to take the stage, the times became much more enjoyable. The music was incredible, people were laughing, dancing, having a great time. And it certainly didn't hurt that we took a side trip to the bar at the end of the night.

On August's End

Usually the end of August around my office signals a huge bash about to be thrown. The Harper Cruise usually takes place this time of year, and since my office is right in the middle of the action, my boss finds an excuse to throw a big party. This is the fourth out of the fifth year that we'll have a live band playing... remember Sponge? Well, my boss is childhood chums with Vinny, the singer so he brings his new band over and plays an awesome show every year. With the exception of the second year. We had a DJ... whose equipment didn't work properly, and there wasn't much music at all, the party was for lack of a better word.. lame. I left that party around 8:00 that year.

Tomorrow is the event and there's all sorts of little things to get ready for. Taping off our property for our guests, buying a shit ton of ice for beverages, making signs, setting up tables, etc. Usually when the event ends, around 9:00PM, a bunch of us keep the party going by wandering next door to the bar. It's been an experience each and every year.

This year is looking to be a good one, I'll just have to get through the whiny, angsty, emo goth kids singing before the good band and then I'll have a good time. I imagine there will be time spent in the alley behind my car drinking hooch straight out of the cooler I plan to stow away. It always seems that when my friends stop by, my car is a hangout... I can't imagine why.

The best part is, if the boss gets a little sauced, he usually lets me come in a little later the next day following the party. I can't argue with that.

On The Media

As usual, the media can be counted upon to blow everything out of proportion. Not just with Hurricane Irene but with everything weather related, or otherwise. I'm not saying having a hurricane coming at you is something to laugh at or not take seriously, no. However, if you watch the news long enough, you'll be frightened into thinking you'll be living in some sort of post-apocalyptic state. I don't know about you, but I'm not quite ready to go all Mad Max quite yet.

Then there's the recent earthquakes, one in Denver, one in Virginia, within a day of each other, around the same magnitude (in the 5 area.) Nothing that's going to rip your world apart, but enough to let you know that there's some serious business happening underneath your feet. Oddly enough, the Denver quake wasn't talked about much, in fact, when I told my husband about it, he hadn't even heard about it a day later. The Virginia quake had everyone talking though, and I just had to wonder, why would one get more acknowledgement than the other?

And then there's FEMA. While watching the Weather Channel yesterday, a FEMA commercial popped up saying how you need to have a kit, have a plan, etc... for disaster. Perhaps this commercial aired in conjunction with the hurricane footage, but I can't help but wonder, with everything being stirred around weather-wise, earthquakes, hurricanes, storms, and the comet or brown dwarf star Elenin coming nearer, I'm wondering if FEMA knows something we don't know. Because to be honest, when I was kid, I don't remember ever seeing disaster commercials sponsored by FEMA. I guess I just find it all a bit strange.

On Celebrity Worship & Hollywood Remakes

Yesterday I made a comment on my Facebook page regarding celebrity worship. I'll admit that I am prone to following certain celebrity gossip. I have a handful of celebrities that I actually enjoy as actors, as well as people. Mostly because they exude something about them that seems regular. Their faces are not plastered in the rags or in the gossip columns, they keep to themselves, and who can blame them?

As I was perusing E! Online last night, I came across all the reality stars and the teeny bopper stars. I became so disgusted, I had to disconnect and go for a walk just to disengage. All this press they're getting and having their ugly faces thrown around everywhere is too much. It makes me miss the old days of Cary Grant, Katherine Hepburn, Grace Kelly, etc. When Hollywood wasn't a place anyone could get into. My remark was this: Reality Stars and most everyone under 30 really ought to be banned from the public. Not my exact words, but you get the point.

Admittedly, I don't watch much television. When I do, I watch the Weather Channel. There are three shows that are currently airing that I actually enjoy. Two are on the FX Network, and one is on Showtime. (Rescue Me, Justified, Dexter.) Reality T.V. has no interest to me. If I want reality, I'll go live my own. Why would I want to watch some snobby, bitchy, lazy brat get into fights with her roommates? Why would I care who can dance or sing? I don't, so I don't watch. What annoys me the most is one of these child stars complaining about their status and all the attention they get, they just want privacy. Well, you idiot, if you want privacy, maybe you should go live in remote Idaho and stop whoring yourself out to the public. Do the rest of us a favor, and disappear already.

Another thing I'm mildly disgusted with is the lack of originality in modern Hollywood. What's with all the damn remakes? Isn't there an original idea left out there on the Coast? You've got writers and directors taking an epic or least great movie and revamping it to something new which turns out to be crap. The list of remakes is endless, and remaking a movie isn't a new thing, but the latest remake talk is that of Dirty Dancing. Anyone who grew up in the 80's remembers this flick and thinks it's fine the way it is. Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey did a phenomenal job. Now there's talks of redoing it and adding people from the cast of Glee as Johnny and Francis (Baby.) If only Patrick Swayze knew what Hollywood is going to do to this classic movie, he'd be spinning in his grave.

In any case, I feel that I've adequately vented my feelings. What are your thoughts on reality stars and Hollywood remakes?


Photo Credit To: Salvatore Vuono. http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=659

On Speed Limits

It seems like most people in my neck of the woods are idiots when it comes to driving.

When I first started noticing this unnerving pattern, I thought maybe it was a fluke. Maybe I was just unlucky enough to be on the road with people who chose to drive incredibly slow at whatever particular time of the day.

This is not the case at all. It seems like people over here cannot drive at any time of the year! Whether there's snow on the ground, a little bit of wet pavement, or even if the sun is shining, these people are all too cautious!

I'm talking about people who consistently drive at least 15 mph under the posted speed limit! It's not just one or two people, it's a whole mess of people. It always seems as though when I'm in a hurry, ie: driving to or from work, that I get stuck behind these people, and the people next to them are driving equally as slow, creating a box on wheels if you will, trapping me within it, driving me out of my head!

Yes, there are far more important things to stress out about in life besides traffic, but since I've been dealing with this pretty much all summer, I feel the need to vent. I can only hope that people around here learn how to read and drive, or I might have to move to another part of the state.

On Hangovers

I'm old enough to know better, but last night I threw caution to the wind and discovered what a lightweight pansy I really am.

My friend is in town for a very short period of time. He spent the last year across the sea working, and how he's moving to Arizona! Based on current circumstances last night was my last chance to see him, so I went out on a work night and I stayed out much later than I care to on a work night and I drank.

Now I know what you're thinking, I must have been really having a wild time if I'm talking about hangovers, but I want to let you know, I drank two glasses of wine last night, and that is all. Now I'm knowledgeable with wine and its hangovers but of course I wasn't thinking of that last night since I only had 2 glasses, however, when I went to bed and the ceiling was spinning, I knew I was going to be in trouble.

It was a rough start this morning, since I didn't sleep well or very long to begin with and I really had to drag myself around the house to get ready for work. When I walking into the office and sat down at my desk, everything was reverberating, sights, sounds, smells, you name it. Now that I'm getting on into the afternoon, the morning sluggishness seems to be tapering off. Of course now, I have no desire to touch the poison for a while. Did I mention I've got a party to go to this Friday, plus a weekend up north with some friends? We'll see how steadfast I am with this statement.

The moral of this story is, don't underestimate the power of wine. It will kick your ass before you even see the boot coming.

On The Simple Things

There isn't much I get excited about anymore. Nothing is as nearly intense as it was a decade ago. That being said, here are a few things which delight me:

• Being on vacation (the planning part and the actual vacation are what I enjoy. I hate leaving my pets. I always feel guilty.)


• Sleeping in until 9:00 (when the cat lets me.)


• Receiving new books!!!!

Yes, it may be nerdy, but it's like Christmas when I see that little Amazon box arrive with my goods inside. As I pulled into the driveway on Friday, the UPS truck was pulling up simultaneously, and I thought... maybe he's got my books. And he did. He walked right up and handed me my package. I was utterly geeked out. Not only was it the end of the day Friday, but I had three more books lined up in my quene. EEK!

What are the books I've gotten so excited about you ask? Well to be honest, I don't remember the name of the other two, as I found them on a whim, but one of them is Gerald's Game by Stephen King. I'm sort of a huge King fan. The other two are supposedly true haunting stories a la The Amityville Horror which thoroughly creeped me out and I enjoyed, so I'm hoping these other two deliver. The reviews were good, with only a few not so stellar comments, so I thought I'd give them a chance.

Which reminds me, while my husband and I were on vacation, I found this adorable little used book shop in South Haven called Black River Books. It was the coolest bookstore I've been in in a while. The stacks were high and close together, it felt like another world, a world a could get lost inside for hours. However, it would have been torture for my husband, so I think I spent a max of 15 minutes in there. I did find a couple of King books. One, I already have on e-Book, The Dark Half but since I loved it so much, and it was so cheap for the hardcover, I bought it. I love older hardcovers with their dust jackets, I don't know why. There were some other ones, but I've got the paperbacks and couldn't justify buying them. The other one is also a King book, but it's essays on writing, and I've never seen it before, so I grabbed it. Two hardcovers for $15.00, can't beat it.

One would think that since I love books so much that I should work in a book store, and I've thought about it, but I don't think I'd want to work in a chain book store like Barnes & Noble, though I love Barnes & Noble. I'd rather work in some small little Indie store, but I know I wouldn't make diddly squat, so... here I sit. So, instead of selling other people's books, I'll write my own and sell those. Same difference right? Ha.

On Vacation

Vacations are always too short aren't they? Mine garnered an extra bonus because my birthday took place over my vacation, so what did I do? I spent the day on the beach, that's what. I followed it up with some sort of delicious Sangria concoction during dinner.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. We headed to an area outside of Lansing for a friend's wedding. The location was idyllic, at a nature preserve, however, the temperature was topping out at around 95 degrees that day and there was no A/C inside the building where dinner was being served. Yes, it led to a hot, sticky mess. But it seemed as though the party goers had a fair enough time.

We trekked along the Shore of Lake Michigan, from South Haven to Muskegon, making Holland our Home Base of sorts. It's a wonderful little town filled with genuinely happy people, not like over here on the East side, where everyone is angsty and pissed off all the time. They're progressive with their electric car plug ins and scooters scooting about town. It almost made me want to drop everything at home and move over there.

We cut the trip short because we were supposed to experience some pretty wicked storms for two days (which we did) so we headed home, regrouped, and headed up to Lake Huron, which is just over an hour away from our house. More beach bumming ensued, with friends even, making for a perfect end to a lovely vacation week.

I don't know when I'll see my next vacation, some time in 2012 I imagine.

Probably the best looking lighthouse of them all, the Whitehall Light which is currently a museum, except we couldn't figure out how to get to the other side of the channel to actually enter the museum, so a photograph must suffice.
The Grand Haven Light, which looks just like the South Haven Light minus the rather colorful graffiti.

We drove over to Holland to start the official vacation/lighthouse tour. Below is what the Hollanders call Big Red! Which isn't that big in person, so it left me rather baffled.

You can't go to Holland and not see the only working windmill in the U.S. imported directly from the Netherlands. Yes, you can go inside and walk up onto the deck and view the whole park, which would probably be more breathtaking during the Tulip Time Festival.

On Heat Indexes Near 110 Degrees

Another hot day here, still not going to complain about it. I mean, what good would it do right? It's going to be got nevertheless. The silver lining is, today is going to be the hottest day of our heat wave with the temperature reaching 101 today, but then it's going to drop going into the weekend, back into the low 80's. You know it's hot when the low to mid 80's sounds like a relief.

Something that's been consistently bothering me as of late is other drivers. I've been known to go at least 5-10 over the posted speed limit, not exactly a good practice, but it's what I do. I don't exactly get pissed off if I can't speed, but I do happen to become quite flustered when I'm forced to go 10-15 UNDER the posted speed limit. These slow pokes seem to be running rampant, it's not just one person here and one person there, but gobs of people. I usually end up getting boxed in by these yahoos, so I'm stuck shaking my fist and trying to keep the vein in my forehead under wraps. Since it's been so hot, and I happen to drive a Wrangler with barely working air, my only solace is to keep moving to get some sort of breeze. Well, when it's 100 out and I'm going 20-25 mph, there's not nearly enough breeze to cool me off. So here I am going out of my head, baking to death in my car because some people think they by going slower, they're conserving gas. I beg to differ.

However, I'll be going on vacation next week, where I'm hoping to just lay on a beach with a cocktail and a book and not worry about such trivial things such as traffic.

On Summer Heat Waves

Well, here we are almost a week into 90+ degree temps in the Mitten. There's been a lot of complaining about the heat, the humidity, and so forth. Most of the complaints I've heard come from people who have central air in their homes. To them I'd like to say: "Put a sock in it, you whiny bastard!" I'm fortunate enough to work in an office building with central air, so when the heat swelters during the hottest part of the afternoon, I'm super cool, almost frigid. However, when it's time to go home, I dread hanging out in my hot box of a home. I'm one of those people without central air you see. Now before you go feeling sorry for me, I will state that I have window unit in my bedroom, so at least during the night I'm cool. The rest of the house however has been getting up 90 degrees which makes relaxing at home somewhat uncomfortable. Watching the Weather Channel while sitting in a puddle of yourself is none to fun, let me tell you.

My one solace is my hillbilly blow up pool that I acquired for $20.00 last summer. Yes, I find it trashy, but I at least have the decency to put it in my BACK yard where not too many people will see me wading in 2 feet of water attempting to stay cool.

On the plus side, the weather will be breaking sometime this weekend. We'll be back into the lower to mid-eighties by next week and all will be well in the land of Summer. While it's hot now, I'm trying not to complain about it because I know come January when it's bitter cold, we'll all have something else to complain about.

On Google +

Yes, I've accepted an invitation to Google + thank you very much. Rumor spreads that Facebook will start charging this summer. If that so happens to be the case, you can bet your bottom dollar that I won't be sticking around. There isn't much I care to pay for, and social networking is one of those things. Of course Google + is still in its infancy, so there's not too many of my fellow friends on the Google front, so it's quite honestly a little lonely, but they've got the same basic concept as the Facebook. It's interesting, and I believe if Facebook does start charging, a lot people will make the leap over to Google + or possibly even hop back on board with MySpace. Personally, I miss the days of Livejournal (which I still have) where a handful of my closest friends posted every day and we stayed connected that way. Which was sort of silly since we saw each other every, but that's besides the point isn't it?

In other news, I'm feeling myself slide into a little bit of a slump, which is really great for my writing. I find I write more often and better when I'm in a lousy mood. It must be something about the angst, though sadly I'm far from suffering from teenage angst. Can adults suffer from angst I wonder? Or is it just general depression? Who knows? I worked a little on Rogue this evening, not much, just over 500 words, but at least it was something. Since I've been letting sit for weeks while I've been out gallivanting in this wonderful summer weather. A writer has to experience life to have something to write about right? That's the excuse I'm using anyway.

On Etc.

I've found that too much caffeine intake makes me "freak out." However, I've been extra tired lately (probably all the carbs I've been ingesting) so says my husband. Or it could be something else all together, which I'll get in to in a moment. Regardless, I've got an iced capp sitting on my desk from Tim Hortons. I just needed a little kick you know? I imagine around the time I get home I'll be all keyed up and feeling like I need to jump out of my skin just from a small coffee. Right now... I feel great.

On to other topics, which some may find ridiculous. I'm a bit of a believer in the paranormal. I've had some interesting experiences and witnessed others have some interesting experiences, so I can't discredit it all together. That being said, I've got some haints in my house. Specifically roaming around my upstairs where my bedroom is. Some time last week when I was getting ready to fall asleep, I noticed some "midget" haints running around my bed. To elaborate, I didn't actually see midgets, but short (about 3' in height) black figures. I'm guessing it's just some sort of energy. Well, it was enough to freak me out and make me sleep with the lights on that night, and every night since.

I told my husband about this, and he immediately says: "Oh yeah, they're around, but I always see the giant ones that are as tall as the ceiling. Oh and sometimes, they're out in the hall because I see the clock on your radio out there blacked out." Normally I would just think he's yanking my chain, but I too have seen the clock on my radio in the hall completely blacked out when it certainly shouldn't be. What doesn't help matters is my chihuahua who sleeps in my room darting up and staring at the doorway with the hair on his neck raised and growling. Needless to say, I haven't slept much for the past few nights.

On a completely different note, I've been toying with the notion of throwing a cocktail/book signing party sometime at the end of next month. I figure I'll just invite everyone I know on Facebook, maybe even co-workers and try to sell some books, or even get the word out so I can sell the second one when I'm finished. Originally I was thinking of doing it at my house, but that just wouldn't do. I was thinking of renting out a pavilion at a park or even a small hall. Of course, this costs money, and I don't know how much good it would do, so I'll be deep into research on that front.

Meanwhile, I'm looking forward to a week long vacation at the end of the month, and... not coming to work on my birthday.

On Independence

While there's plenty of things to look forward to in the summer, one of them is the "Fourth of July" festivities. I usually attend a few parties, see some fireworks, and most notably, have a day off from the office. It just so happens that the holiday falls on a Monday this year, three day weekend, lovely. This year, I'll be attending the Stars & Stripes Festival, which is really just a reason for a bunch of people to get together, drink, and listen to mostly crappy bands and see some fireworks. Since my best pal lives in the heart of where the festival takes place, a few of us usually go to his house. If one doesn't feel like walking "downtown" to see the fireworks, they're watchable right from his yard.

Then there's my sister-in-law's party which I was going on believing was going to take place on Sunday, but recently found out will be on Monday. That sort of takes things down a notch. She lives close to me, a mere four blocks away. It's usually a pretty good crowd, some members of the family are quite into we'll say... the not so legal fireworks which usually turns out to be a good time. Of course, since this party is on a "school" night, I don't know how long I'll be staying around for said fireworks.

This particular month of July is quite a busy one for me, as far as weekends go. There's parties, a wedding, a vacation, my birthday, and I recently got invited to attend a roller derby training session each Thursday in July. I pretty much love roller derby.

Of course, it's nearly July and I haven't swam once this season, despite having some overly hot days, the water just wasn't primed. I am however looking forward to possibly visiting Virginia Beach at the end of next month and swimming in the Atlantic. We'll see how that pans out.

On Thunderclouds and Summer

Well, it's officially Summer here in the Mitten, and what better way to celebrate that then with some good old fashioned thunderstorms? I mean, it's not like we didn't have enough rain in the Spring, it was practically monsoon season. However, thunderstorms are awesome, I enjoy them. My cat on the other hand hates them, my dog is indifferent as is my bird. The rain is nature's watering can, so if the rain saves me money from watering my grass and flowers, then let it rain.

However, I'm supposed to be taking my CY endorsement road test this evening. It's sort of an on the fly type of thing. I was aiming for Friday, and I got roped into taking it today. It's funny how I've had my bike for five years and I'm just now getting around to getting my endorsement. I've been flying by on a permit all this time. I'm slightly nervous about the test, I mean, I know I'll do well on most of it, I'm just nervous about weaving through cones. We'll see how that pans out. Maybe I won't be testing at all today because there's a 50% chance of rain during the time I'm supposed to be testing.

I've got some things to look forward to, which is always nice. First, I've got this Friday off, and even though I probably won't do anything spectacular this weekend, at least I won't be at work. Then there's the weekend of the 4th. Family party plus Monday off, nice. The following weekend is my nephew's graduation party. The weekend after that is sort of a wedding party for some friends getting hitched which will be the week after that, it's an out of town sort of thing, so maybe we'll make a weekend out of that. The last week of July holds my birthday and a possible vacation. August holds more parties and a weekend at a pal's cabin. I've got a pretty nice little summer planned out.

On Summer Solstice

Another Solstice is upon us, my favorite of the two, the Summer Solstice, aka: the longest day of the year! Here in the Mitten, summer means a lot especially since the weather sucks the majority of the time. I'll be at work of course, since the Solstice is on a Tuesday, but afterward, I'm thinking I need to be outside as much as possible, maybe even indulge in a Solstice bonfire.

With all this being said, my mind is in full on summer mode. I haven't been working on my writing at all because all I want to do is be outside and relax and be lazy, like you're supposed to be in the summer. I'm thinking about going to Tawas, I'm thinking about margaritas, I'm thinking about the upcoming parties, I'm thinking about a possible vacation at the end of next month. I'm sure if I didn't have a day job, I'd get up early and write, and then go out and enjoy the weather, but that's just not the case. I've got to make money some how, and selling just a few books will not support me.

It's also Monday of course. I find it so hard to get into work mode. I'm still hungover on the relaxation and slow moving mode of the weekend. Of course, these days, I'm usually finding it hard to get into work mode. Well, back to paper pushing.

On Spare Parts

I've noticed with the last few summers that I tend to slack off with my writing. I just can't justify sitting in my "office" writing when the weather is so beautiful out. I figure I ought to take advantage since the weather usually sucks for a minimum of six months out of the year. Now, I have a laptop which by technology's standards is ancient, but it does its job. It's got the wireless internet connection thing going for it, the screen is perfect, it's small and easily portable, and its had a memory upgrade. I hadn't been using it because the battery was shot, it wasn't holding any sort of charge, so I had to plug the thing in wherever I went. Meaning, I couldn't say... take it to the park to write, or the coffee shop, or even my backyard. So it sat, quiet, alone, in the dark in my closet. Yesterday, I finally decided to buy a new battery for it, expecting to pay an arm and a leg for it. Well, the prices I found were nearly astronomical between $80 and $150. I went to Amazon and found one for $29, perfect! I also went ahead and bought a new keyboard since I'm missing a few keys and some of the other ones aren't as spot on as they used to be, couldn't beat it for $15.

These parts should be arriving by the end of the week, which means I could be out on the road with my laptop in hand writing like a fiend by the weekend.

In other news, I've decided that I'm keeping my big ol' scooter that I was planning to sell for the past few years. I took it to the shop over a month ago and finally got it back this last weekend. After dropping $400 on it, I've decided I'm sort of partial to it, and it's just a sweet ride. I've been putting off getting my CY endorsement since I bought the thing in 2006 just skating by on having the permit, I've decided it's time to stop dicking around and get this done so I can fully enjoy the bike. I'm even considering giving the old boy a paint job and am in the market for a new mirror and brake handle since they've taken a spill. It's looking to be a good summer.

On Mitten Heat

I've vowed to not complain about the baking heat that we've been experiencing simply because it seemed like we were in a monsoon season with cold rain for 2 months, and lets not forget the mid April snow showers. Yes, it is HOT! Today it will be nearly 100 degrees with a heat index over 100 degrees but... this is the last day of the extreme heat. We'll be back into the mid to upper 70's by tomorrow, with the threat of thunderstorms of course, but at least we won't be baking alive.

Especially those of us who have no central air in our homes. Sure, a window unit in the bedroom cuts it for a comfortable sleeping environment, but what is one to do during their waking hours? The basement is an option if you have one, except mine always needs constant mopping due to a little issue my kitty has. Who wants to do that when it's 100 out? Not me.

I wish that I lived closer to a swim able lake, I wouldn't mind the excessive heat so much, but that's just not the case. Even if my parents still had a pool, I'd go over their house and take a dip. Oh well, I've got my inflatable pool still sitting in its box because I'm stubborn about setting it up for one or two hot days.

Bring on summer!

On Memorial Day

So 8:30 in the P.M. last night, my boss texts me to ask if I'd like work from 11-4 today, on one condition. So, intrigued, I text back, asking what the condition is. Seems simple enough, type out a purchase agreement and a few other documents and email them to the client, no big shakes. Typically it takes me ten minutes to do something like this. Well, all in all, this particular task took about 45 minutes going back and forth. It's not all bad though, I got to come in an hour and a half later, and I get to leave a half hour early, for the holiday weekend, not to mention, I'm getting paid for a full day... I really can't complain.

That being said, I've been contemplating the purchase of a kayak. I'm thinking something inflatable for storage and price purposes. I drive a soft top Jeep and throwing a full on kayak up on the roof probably isn't best idea in the world. My one fear of inflatable boats of course, is tears and popping. Who wants to be out in the middle of the water and suddenly capsize because you're in a blow up boat? Certainly not me. There's a sale at the sports store this weekend, maybe I'll see what sort of prices their tossing out on their kayaks, maybe I'll come home with one, maybe not.

Looking forward to some decent weather this weekend, cooking outside, hanging with the family and friends, unofficial start to summer, maybe the monsoon season will end.

On Stormy Weather

We're in another jag of rainy, stormy weather here in the Mitten. Word has it that starting Saturday we'll have plentiful sunshine for a whole week! But those weatherpersons are usually never truly correct, even with all their fancy gizmos, I feel that it's somewhat impossible to track Mother Nature, but what do I know?

Despite the drab weather, I haven't worked on Rogue for roughly a week. Shame on me. If I want this thing done in a decent amount of time, I should be working 5-6 days a week. The story is coming together quite nicely though. I feel like this will be a longer one since I've over 11,000 words and it seems like the story is still in its beginning stages. I'm never one to toot my own horn much, but I'm really feeling that in the end, this one is going to be truly great.

Of course, since the summer is trying to work it's way into the air, I don't imagine I'll be doing much writing unfortunately. I find this irresistible urge to make any excuse to be outside when it's nice out. Probably because we're trapped inside for six months out of the year here! Even after a long day at work, I'm apt to go to the park, or hover around a bonfire, maybe even go to the beach and lounge. Yes, I could bring a laptop along and work, but I'd have to invest in a new battery I believe for the one I have, since it no longer holds a charge without being plugged in. Sort of a downer if you're trying to take your work elsewhere.

Memorial Day weekend is around the corner, quite literally. Despite having a long weekend last weekend, I'm still looking forward this one as well. I feel that every weekend should be a long weekend, for all. Not to mention, family gatherings with good food and hooch never hurt anything.

On Progress

Last night I hit the 10,000 word threshold with Rogue. Granted, since I'm already two months deep into this project, I suppose I ought to be further ahead, but in truth, I don't work on it every day. It's exhausting working full time, and trying to keep up the house and trying to write a novel as well. Though I'm not complaining. No matter how much work it is, I have no plans on giving up on it, because writing stories is actually something I enjoy, even when I don't feel like doing it.

It helps to just work through it, even when you don't want to. When you've been at work all day, staring at a computer screen or what have you, and you come home and all you want to do is lay around, you just need to work through it. I don't always follow that of course, more often than not, I'll lay around and maybe read, or zone out, but with this awful, wet weather, it's easy to crawl into my computer room and plink away at the keys, making something hopefully readable and enjoyable.

I've gotten a lot of great feedback from the few people that have read Stress Test and some constructive criticism as well, which is actually helping me in the second book. All I can do is keep trying and hope that one day, I'll be able to do this for a living.

I think with this second book, instead of putting it out into the world on my own, I might actually look for as publisher, simply for the word of mouth. I'm feeling really good about this one, the story is strong and engaging, it's everything the first one isn't.

On Wracked Nerves

The endless rainy, grey days spent alone have allowed me to get a decent amount of writing done on Rogue. If I haven't mentioned it, and I'm sure I have, I'm pretty proud of what I've gotten down on the page so far.

This weather has got me thinking that spring will never arrived even though the calendar says it's been spring for over a month now. Maybe I'll have even more time to hole up and write if the weather is always going to be like this.

On a completely different note, I've got a wonderful support system of friends who are pushing like hell to get Stress Test noticed. My oldest and best friend in particular is my strongest proponent, always encouraging me along the way, buying a copy of the e-Book and paperback, advertising on Facebook, golly Rogue might have to be dedicated solely to him.

Work at the office has been mundane. Another agent quit today, another one bites the dust as I like to say. Whenever I hear someone say they quit, that song plays in my head. I just can't help it.

Well, might as well get back to work on the book.

On Paperback

Well, Stress Test is finally available in paperback, you can purchase a copy here: https://www.createspace.com/3593442. It's slightly different from the online version in that it's just a tad less vulgar... just a tad.

Work on Rogue has been slacking. I don't think I've touched it at all in the last week, though I am planning on remedying that tonight by working on it for a little while. I feel like in the end, I'm really going to push that one, because I feel like it's just going to be so much better. However, everyone always says I'm my own worst critic, and that's probably true.

On Faux Spring

The calendar says it's Spring, but the weather would suggest otherwise here in the Mitten. Of course, our weather has always been a little strange. A few weeks ago it was over 80 degrees, and then a few days ago, it snowed. Of course, I think there is something much bigger to these odd weather patterns. I'm taking the wait and see option on this one.

I've been working diligently on the proof for the paperback on Stress Test. I'm finding a number of mistakes. I sure am glad I'm looking it over before sending it out in the world, wouldn't want to look like a complete amateur. e-Book sales are something to be desired. I've sold eight copies which is disheartening, but there's been a decent number of "previews" downloaded, which also hurts, people will download the preview, but won't spend the $2.99 to finish it. Although, friends who've read it in its entirety, have told me it's a good story, entertaining, etc., so there's that.

In the meantime, I've also been working on Rogue, my second book. It's humming along quite nicely, I'm already proud of it and it's just a baby. It's more mature sounding, and dark, and thriller-esque, it sounds like a seasoned vet is writing it. If this one tanks, it will truly be heartbreaking. Of course, it will be another year or so I'm sure before it's seen by eyes other than mine.

On Spring

The cold, dreary days wear on. The skies remain grey, the cold rain falls, it's dismal, it's enough to make one feel forever lethargic. It's technically Spring, but it still feels like that all day sunshine won't ever come. On the writing front, I'm working feverishly to promote myself, get myself out there. I've gotten a few ideas which I plan on taking advantage of. I'm also working on getting Stress Test printed and put into some local bookstores. I've got one so far that will let me sell there. I've been reading all these articles about "self published" authors and the successes they experience, and I'm trying to be optimistic by thinking why not me? I've gotten a lot of positive feedback on my story from friends and strangers alike, so I feel positive that at least I have a strong, entertaining story on my hands. I guess I should really work on doing some more promoting on Stress Test before I delve deep into Rogue, which I'm actually really excited about. I guess I feel like putting the first book on the back burner is acceptable because maybe I'm not 100% behind it. I mean, I think it's entertaining, but I don't think it's the best I can give. Of course, if my first piece is my best, then I might as well give up there right? I feel like, I can only get better from here. But if I want to actually get read, then putting myself and my work out there is probably my best bet right now. I've got high hopes for smashwords.com. I seem to be getting decent activity from there. Only one purchase, but thirteen previews. Plus, I'll hopefully get accepted into their premium catalog which will put my book on pretty much every e-Book platform, so there's that. I'm just going to keep doing this because I enjoy it, and maybe one day if I'm lucky, it will be my full time job.

On Getting Published

I finally finished writing, editing, formatting, double checking, and then checking again and declared my book finished. I decided to toss it out into the pond to see if there were any bites before trying to really sell the thing. I published it on the Kindle platform, and also on Smashwords, which will allow it to be purchased or downloaded virtually anywhere. Yes, I've sold a few copies (to loyal friends) who have told me that so far they like it, which is always great to hear. My mother, read it cover to cover in one day and then proceeded to call me and tell me how fabulous it was (but she is way biased.) It's enough to make me think, I should keep going at this writing thing, keep doing it. Maybe one day, I'll make something out of myself and I won't be stuck on cubicle square for the rest of my working life, which let's be honest, is my main goal, to get out of here and do something I truly love. Last week I started work on a second book. I'm already at the first big conflict scene, I've yet to start writing it, because I don't know exactly how I want it to go yet. I do have a good feeling about this second book though. It's going to be darker than the first, with more of a thriller feel to it. It's just rough, working all day, looking at a screen, and then coming home and working for a few more hours, staring at a screen. Hopefully one day, I can sustain on royalties, and maybe a part time job to get by, allowing me to write more, when I'm fresher. Or maybe I'd just be a slacker in the nice weather and go hang out at the park instead of working. Of course, there's no excuse for not working while at the park, there's always longhand, or a laptop, etc. Anyway, even though the sales aren't coming in at the moment, it's still exciting to have something I wrote out in the world. It's out there to reach people, if they so want to be reached by this book. I'm just hoping it's entertaining to those who read it.

On Being Left Behind

Sometimes I feel like I'm 17 again. It only lasts for but a moment, just a small period in time, and it's invigorating to not feel my actual age for a few moments... to feel ageless.

I had that sensation this evening, just briefly. Gazing up at the clear, star filled sky, watching Orion, I felt like a teenager with my whole life ahead of me, bound for anything, endless possibilities lay ahead. I could be anything, do anything with my life.

This isn't to say I'm some dried up old crow circling the drain. I suppose I'm technically in the prime of my life, living my best years perhaps. However, I feel like I haven't gone anywhere.

When I was getting ready to graduate high school, I had two different visions of how my life would be at this age. The first, was idyllic, sort of my own fantasy that I knew wouldn't come true. The second was more realistic, ordinary, safe. I'm living the second. It's somewhat terrifying living the life you expected for yourself.

When I was younger and in school, I really had no idea what I wanted to do with myself, what I wanted my profession to be. I wanted to go into journalism, but college counselors told me that was a fruitless pursuit, so I decided to go into education. Again, I was steered away. I thought... I should do something safe, something that would garner me a job when I got out of school, something that would allow me to support myself, medical coding. I hated it, I dropped it almost as quickly as I adopted it. It was then that I decided, I'd just find an office job to tide me over until I figure myself out.

I suppose deep down I've always wanted to be a writer. I've always loved literature, even from a young age. I've always been an avid reader, and have been writing silly little stories since I was 6. This manuscript that I've finished, while it might not be total garbage, definitely is not my best work, it's not memorable, it's not much of anything. I'm not expecting it to be well received. But I'm going to thrust it out into the world anyway and move on to the next, it's the only way.

I've got a very small circle of friends. only one of which has remained constant, going on 17 years now. I've always just had a small circle of friends. I've never been one to have dozens and dozens of people around me. I'm private, withholding, reclusive.

My high school circle that I was so close with has withered away. Except, three of them still see and talk to each other regularly, just not to me. They each have their own lives, but haven't included me in it. We just grew apart I suppose. Though, online they act like nothing has changed.

My more adult circle is different in that, everyone already had their own lives, but I suppose common interest and personalities meshed together. My husband had his own circle of friends, which he included me in, I had my own which I included him in, and then we meshed our two circles together. And one person from his circle has to stuck one person in my circle, (my friend of 17 years) and it feels like she's taking my place, and quite frankly, it's making me a bit jealous.

Of course, I know I really have no right to be jealous, what can I expect really? I mean, I did say I was withholding and reclusive. Especially when I have horrible bouts of anxiety. Sometimes it gets so bad, I just want to hole up in my house and not leave unless I have to. Therefore, I've turned down a lot of plans. I certainly can't blame my friend for turning to someone who doesn't say no all the time. And while it hurts to not even get asked anymore, on some level, I understand.

I just feel as though all these people who I was once so close to are moving on, and I'm still in the same place I was. Not moving forward, but just staying still, observing, withdrawing.

On Spring Time

It's days like today that make me giddy for Spring. The mercury is hovering just above 40, it feels like heaven compared to the frigid temps we've been experiencing. Granted, it is a dark, gloomy, dreadful day, with heavy fog encompassing the area last night into this morning, which has since burned off, but it's still full of hope. Hope that better weather is merely a bit over a month away.

Daylight Savings Time is the weekend. I always feel somewhat cheated when we have to "spring forward." How can it be that we can just move the hour ahead or back and everything is supposed to be normal? How does that even make sense? Nevertheless, we are "springing ahead" this Sunday morning, so at least we'll get another hour before the sun sets.

I've been getting lost in my Six Feet Under box sets. Halfway through the last season now. It really was an epic show. Though I am thrilled that I've found Dexter, despite not being able to see it live... there's always box sets.

I've also been imagining quite a bit lately. Imagining different scenarios, thinking what great stories they'd make. While I'm just about finished with Stress Test, I'm thinking of my next project. I've already got a few great ideas down, and I just need to decide which one to run with next. I'm already looking forward to creating something new, something better than what I've finished already.

Nothing makes me happier than finally pursuing what I think I was always meant to do. I may not be any good, I may not ever be well known or read by millions, but at least I'll know that I tried my best, and that should be satisfactory enough I think.

On Editing

I've finally stopped procrastinating and gotten into the real blood and guts of editing the manuscript, and I've completed it only minutes ago. It's sort of a refreshing feeling. I've got some minor changes and fixes to undertake, and then I will send it out to be copyrighted, and if I'm feeling good about it, I'll send it out into the world.

I think sending it out is going to be the hardest part. I mean, I've posted bits and pieces of part of it in an online writing community and have received wonderful feedback. I've let a few friends and family members read it, and it was well received, so that sort of gave me the gumption to keep going. But in the end, I like probably most if not all writers, feel like my finished product is garbage. I can't be objective of my own work, I can't think it's good. I can only hope that it's mildly entertaining.

I'm not expecting it to be a best seller or even popular. I just want to make at least a few people laugh and be able to escape their own reality for a short period of time while reading my stuff. That's all.

In other news, after work this afternoon, I went out and got a few prints of some photos I took in the fall, two really that I find particularly haunting. I was going to hang them in my home office, but I've already got those two pictures hanging, just in black and white. I think they'll go in the living room.

Also, I printed a photo I took of downtown Detroit from the river. It's going to be a belated birthday gift to my best pal for his game room. I thought it would be better to give him a more original, thoughtful gift this year instead of the same old gift card to Lowe's I give him every year. Time to be more personal right?

On Winter Fun

The trip up to Boyne was relaxing, beautiful, peaceful, splendid, freezing, fun... with the exception of all the damn children running around the place! I'm sorry, when did this wonderful ski resort become fucking Disneyworld? I mean, we went in the middle of the week, I suppose these kids could have been on "winter break" from school, or they could have been "local" but for cryin' out loud, they were everywhere.

The only place I was safe was in the spa. No one under the age of 16 is allowed in there, it was heaven. Soaking in the hot tub, sweating it out in the eucalyptus room, swimming in the indoor/outdoor pool when it was 4 degrees outside, marvelous. Of course, the pool was subject to children. I was baffled to see 3 young boys walk in, the oldest was maybe six, no parents with them! In tow is a toddler, maybe three. I hear the oldest one say "let's go hot tubbing!" I'm sorry but I thought children weren't supposed to go in hot tubs, don't they boil or something?

On another evening, the husband and I were sitting in the lodge, quietly in the back watching a movie on his laptop with headphones, you know, being considerate of other people sitting in there, maybe wanting to relax and take in the view. Suddenly, a dad walks in with his fricking crying kid trying to "soothe" it. Well, his soothing apparently had no affect on this child because he would not shut the hell up. They leave after about ten minutes or so and I think super, peace, quiet, hooray! No, no, no. A short while later, grandpa comes in with the same kid crying his eyes out. Jesus fuck! What does this kid have to be so upset about?

Not to mention, it seemed like everyone that night thought the lodge was their own personal phone booth. I'm not talking about people quietly talking on their phones, I'm talking about people practically hollering on their phones. For what purpose I don't know.

We took a side trip to Petoskey one day. It was frigid! Everyone was frozen and barren, but it was beautiful nonetheless. We got out to take some photos, but the wind was whipping and basically unbearable to stay out in for too long. But it got us away from the resort for a little while.

Regardless, I did plenty of swimming, soaking, picture taking, and enjoying the relative quiet except for the screaming kids, and the teenagers partying their asses off all night and early in the morning. Mind you, I didn't do any actual snowboarding which was what was intended, but the husband did get out there and tear it up.

On Aftermath

As expected, the "snow storm" wasn't nearly as bad as rumor made it up to be. Yes we probably got around 8 or 9 inches, but nonetheless, it wasn't anything to write home about. I'm thrilled to mention however that I did end up getting a snow day from work. Everyone panicked as anticipated and decided to close the office the night before. I did spend the majority of my snow day outside shoveling out the driveway and sidewalks. We got some freezing rain along with the snow which added to the weight of the snow, it sucked.

Today is my last day in the beige prison for a week however. I'll be going up north next week to do some snowboarding, relax in front of a huge fireplace in a lodge with floor to ceiling windows, sit in an outdoor hot tub, and just chill out. On the one hand I'm looking forward to it because I haven't been there in a few years, but on the other hand, there's nothing like the comfort of home and hanging out with my "fur babies."

Of course, I am still suffering from a persistent sinus infection, going into my second week. I went to the doctor last week to get some meds and they did nothing for me! So I called this morning the see about a new round. I just don't want to feel shady for my upcoming trip. It's just typical that I'd have to get sick now.

On Impending Winter Weather

I'm always excited when I hear about "winter weather" possibly headed in my general direction. It's not that I'm thrilled to shovel my way out of oodles of snow, but I'm always thinking... maybe I'll get a snow day at work. Yes, it sounds nuts to be wishing for a snow day from a grown up job that doesn't include being a teacher, but instead a disgruntled cubicle dweller, but I feel like, maybe with enough snow, it might happen.

To paint a picture, the majority of the people I work with are paranoid when it comes to matters of weather. Rumor has it that a snow storm is coming our way (and sweeping most of the Midwest and northeast as well) and it's likely to bring 10-12" our way. This is what the weather experts are predicting. Of course, the term expert should used to loosely when it comes to describing the weather personalities. Usually, they hype everyone up, at least here in the Mitten and a foot of supposed snow usually equates to 3-5" and leaving me disappointed and bemused with the hysteria that I witness when "storms" head our way.

The talking began this morning around cubicle square about the what ifs? "What if we can't make it into work at 9AM to open the office on Wednesday? Should we come in at 10:00? Should we have a snow day?" Since weather is something of an obsession of mine, I immediately started dredging through weather.com to check the status. From what I gather, the heaviest snow will accumulate in my part of the world from 3-5AM on Wednesday morning. Of course, it's supposed to snow for hours on end, but to a lesser intensity. It got me thinking, how much damage could 2 hours of snow possibly do? My prediction boys and girls, this isn't going to be a big deal at all.

On Winter Ails

It's that time of the season, cold and flu season. Of course, I suppose that technically started in October. Regardless, cold and flu are running rampant in my circle. Down in Cubicle Square, we're passing the cold around like a cheap floozy passes the Clap. I actually left work two hours early today, and I even felt guilty doing so since, this really isn't the worst I've felt. However, I'm taking into consideration my lovely snowboarding get away which is just over a week away, I'd hate to be sniffling and coughing all over the slopes. Yes, rest is prudent at this juncture. Depending on how I wake up feeling tomorrow, I may even **gasp** take the whole day off.

I've spent the additional two hours that my sickness has granted me at home wiping my nose with less than desirable Kleenex, the kind that makes your nose raw, and watching Season 2 of Dexter on DVD. I took a break to pass out on the love seat for a few hours only to wake up with a "crick" in my neck. That's what I get for sleeping on a love seat.

I then decided I should fire up the ol' computer and do some more work on my book, well, look at how hard I'm working. I'm feeling the creativity flow through me, but I don't want to direct it to where it's needed the most. Here it's almost February and I'm hoping to get this thing out in the world by April or May. Not at this rate my friend. I could make excuses and say, "Oh, I'm not working on it because I don't feel good, I'm not 100%." However, I'm not working on it all the time when I am 100% so that excuse is just a bit... weak.

I watched Stranger than Fiction last night, a fantastic movie in my mind. It made me long to be as eccentric as Emma Thompson as Karen Eiffel in 20 years. Of course, my husband drops me the line, "You don't write enough." Ouch. It's because I'm a snob when it comes to my writing. I'll jot down ideas that come to me, but I won't work on more than one piece at a time. Example, I'm working on my manuscript right now, nothing else matters. There will be no starting the next project or jotting down a short story. I'm a one piece at a time kind of girl.

On Petulance

I've been feeling a bit out of sorts lately. I'd like to blame it on my day job. My pay was expectantly cut last week, a cup of perfectly shitty, scalding hot coffee was dumped all over me last week, and I've inadvertently become the "go-to girl" around cubicle way. Of course... it's been that way for 8 months now. I loathed my job just a bit less when I could sit here for my 8 hours, keep to myself and whittle away at my crummy paper pushing.

I haven't worked on my re-writes in the last week or so. I'm being terrible with the procrastination. Speaking of, I've had my new tabs for my license plate for nearly a month and haven't put them on yet. Yeah, they're expired, I'll be busted if the 5-0 decides to pull me over.

In the long term, I think I should mention now that I don't have very high hopes for 2011, but maybe I'll be wrong and it will turn out to be a stellar year... but I won't hold my breath.

On Aging

Yesterday my mother turned 65. She wasn't overly thrilled about it, to say the least. When my father turned 65 last year, I made him a disaster of a birthday cake from scratch. It tasted like a sponge, with thin chocolate sauce (that was supposed to be frosting) dripped over it. It was ugly, it had no taste, but he ate it anyway because he's a champ. He just ate it with a bowl of ice cream.

Tomorrow, I'll be preparing a birthday breakfast feast for the parents. I'm thinking pancakes, eggs, English muffins, mimosas, (veg)bacon, (veg)sausage, etc. I can cook a mean breakfast (I think) so at least it wouldn't be a total disaster (hopefully.)

It's strange watching my parents get older, and unfortunately, imminent. It seems like just yesterday they were younger, I was younger. Time seems to be flying by entirely too quickly.

While I didn't get along too well with my parents in my formative teen years, and really, what teenager gets along fully with their parents at that age? I certainly carry on with them quite well now, and love them very much. So it warms me to be able to do something special for them every now and then because they did so much for me growing up.