On Getting Published

I finally finished writing, editing, formatting, double checking, and then checking again and declared my book finished. I decided to toss it out into the pond to see if there were any bites before trying to really sell the thing. I published it on the Kindle platform, and also on Smashwords, which will allow it to be purchased or downloaded virtually anywhere. Yes, I've sold a few copies (to loyal friends) who have told me that so far they like it, which is always great to hear. My mother, read it cover to cover in one day and then proceeded to call me and tell me how fabulous it was (but she is way biased.) It's enough to make me think, I should keep going at this writing thing, keep doing it. Maybe one day, I'll make something out of myself and I won't be stuck on cubicle square for the rest of my working life, which let's be honest, is my main goal, to get out of here and do something I truly love. Last week I started work on a second book. I'm already at the first big conflict scene, I've yet to start writing it, because I don't know exactly how I want it to go yet. I do have a good feeling about this second book though. It's going to be darker than the first, with more of a thriller feel to it. It's just rough, working all day, looking at a screen, and then coming home and working for a few more hours, staring at a screen. Hopefully one day, I can sustain on royalties, and maybe a part time job to get by, allowing me to write more, when I'm fresher. Or maybe I'd just be a slacker in the nice weather and go hang out at the park instead of working. Of course, there's no excuse for not working while at the park, there's always longhand, or a laptop, etc. Anyway, even though the sales aren't coming in at the moment, it's still exciting to have something I wrote out in the world. It's out there to reach people, if they so want to be reached by this book. I'm just hoping it's entertaining to those who read it.

On Being Left Behind

Sometimes I feel like I'm 17 again. It only lasts for but a moment, just a small period in time, and it's invigorating to not feel my actual age for a few moments... to feel ageless.

I had that sensation this evening, just briefly. Gazing up at the clear, star filled sky, watching Orion, I felt like a teenager with my whole life ahead of me, bound for anything, endless possibilities lay ahead. I could be anything, do anything with my life.

This isn't to say I'm some dried up old crow circling the drain. I suppose I'm technically in the prime of my life, living my best years perhaps. However, I feel like I haven't gone anywhere.

When I was getting ready to graduate high school, I had two different visions of how my life would be at this age. The first, was idyllic, sort of my own fantasy that I knew wouldn't come true. The second was more realistic, ordinary, safe. I'm living the second. It's somewhat terrifying living the life you expected for yourself.

When I was younger and in school, I really had no idea what I wanted to do with myself, what I wanted my profession to be. I wanted to go into journalism, but college counselors told me that was a fruitless pursuit, so I decided to go into education. Again, I was steered away. I thought... I should do something safe, something that would garner me a job when I got out of school, something that would allow me to support myself, medical coding. I hated it, I dropped it almost as quickly as I adopted it. It was then that I decided, I'd just find an office job to tide me over until I figure myself out.

I suppose deep down I've always wanted to be a writer. I've always loved literature, even from a young age. I've always been an avid reader, and have been writing silly little stories since I was 6. This manuscript that I've finished, while it might not be total garbage, definitely is not my best work, it's not memorable, it's not much of anything. I'm not expecting it to be well received. But I'm going to thrust it out into the world anyway and move on to the next, it's the only way.

I've got a very small circle of friends. only one of which has remained constant, going on 17 years now. I've always just had a small circle of friends. I've never been one to have dozens and dozens of people around me. I'm private, withholding, reclusive.

My high school circle that I was so close with has withered away. Except, three of them still see and talk to each other regularly, just not to me. They each have their own lives, but haven't included me in it. We just grew apart I suppose. Though, online they act like nothing has changed.

My more adult circle is different in that, everyone already had their own lives, but I suppose common interest and personalities meshed together. My husband had his own circle of friends, which he included me in, I had my own which I included him in, and then we meshed our two circles together. And one person from his circle has to stuck one person in my circle, (my friend of 17 years) and it feels like she's taking my place, and quite frankly, it's making me a bit jealous.

Of course, I know I really have no right to be jealous, what can I expect really? I mean, I did say I was withholding and reclusive. Especially when I have horrible bouts of anxiety. Sometimes it gets so bad, I just want to hole up in my house and not leave unless I have to. Therefore, I've turned down a lot of plans. I certainly can't blame my friend for turning to someone who doesn't say no all the time. And while it hurts to not even get asked anymore, on some level, I understand.

I just feel as though all these people who I was once so close to are moving on, and I'm still in the same place I was. Not moving forward, but just staying still, observing, withdrawing.

On Spring Time

It's days like today that make me giddy for Spring. The mercury is hovering just above 40, it feels like heaven compared to the frigid temps we've been experiencing. Granted, it is a dark, gloomy, dreadful day, with heavy fog encompassing the area last night into this morning, which has since burned off, but it's still full of hope. Hope that better weather is merely a bit over a month away.

Daylight Savings Time is the weekend. I always feel somewhat cheated when we have to "spring forward." How can it be that we can just move the hour ahead or back and everything is supposed to be normal? How does that even make sense? Nevertheless, we are "springing ahead" this Sunday morning, so at least we'll get another hour before the sun sets.

I've been getting lost in my Six Feet Under box sets. Halfway through the last season now. It really was an epic show. Though I am thrilled that I've found Dexter, despite not being able to see it live... there's always box sets.

I've also been imagining quite a bit lately. Imagining different scenarios, thinking what great stories they'd make. While I'm just about finished with Stress Test, I'm thinking of my next project. I've already got a few great ideas down, and I just need to decide which one to run with next. I'm already looking forward to creating something new, something better than what I've finished already.

Nothing makes me happier than finally pursuing what I think I was always meant to do. I may not be any good, I may not ever be well known or read by millions, but at least I'll know that I tried my best, and that should be satisfactory enough I think.

On Editing

I've finally stopped procrastinating and gotten into the real blood and guts of editing the manuscript, and I've completed it only minutes ago. It's sort of a refreshing feeling. I've got some minor changes and fixes to undertake, and then I will send it out to be copyrighted, and if I'm feeling good about it, I'll send it out into the world.

I think sending it out is going to be the hardest part. I mean, I've posted bits and pieces of part of it in an online writing community and have received wonderful feedback. I've let a few friends and family members read it, and it was well received, so that sort of gave me the gumption to keep going. But in the end, I like probably most if not all writers, feel like my finished product is garbage. I can't be objective of my own work, I can't think it's good. I can only hope that it's mildly entertaining.

I'm not expecting it to be a best seller or even popular. I just want to make at least a few people laugh and be able to escape their own reality for a short period of time while reading my stuff. That's all.

In other news, after work this afternoon, I went out and got a few prints of some photos I took in the fall, two really that I find particularly haunting. I was going to hang them in my home office, but I've already got those two pictures hanging, just in black and white. I think they'll go in the living room.

Also, I printed a photo I took of downtown Detroit from the river. It's going to be a belated birthday gift to my best pal for his game room. I thought it would be better to give him a more original, thoughtful gift this year instead of the same old gift card to Lowe's I give him every year. Time to be more personal right?