On Adulting

Shit. Being an adult is hard work. I'm talking specifically about spending money. Us adults who own a home and drive a car, etc., have to spend a certain amount of money to even own these things. You've got utility bills, cable and/or Internet, if you're in to that sort of thing, car payments, car insurance, cell phone, buying food. It goes on and on. If you have a child... or children, then you're buying things for your kid(s). Baby shit for babies, never-ending clothes because they grow all the time, extra food that your toddler inhales on the daily because he's going to grow 3 feet over night, toys, educational activities, classes, school.

I've come to accept putting out the money that I do each month because it's usually about the same amount per month. I plan on it, I expect to kiss my hard earned money good bye just so I can have some lights and heat in my house and food in my belly. I have noticed however, that since G-Money has graced us with his presence, I'm finding it hard to buy things for myself. BG (before G-Money) I didn't have a problem throwing a little extra scratch at something I'd been longing for, or dropping in to the bookstore and spending $100 on a stack of books. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to come off as a materialistic little so and so, but every once in a while, I would splurge on something and feel no remorse. These days, I find it terribly hard to buy something for myself, and if I do get the inclination to buy something, I try to find it at the cheapest price possible. Clothes? I'm looking on clearance rack or thrift stores. Hand me downs are great too. Honestly, I really only buy myself clothes as I'm trying to phase out clothes that I've had since high school and wear clothes that a chick in her 30's might wear.

This internal struggle has reared its head as of late because of an item that I've been coveting since last year when it was announced and the its release happened only a few short weeks ago. This coveting goes back to a love affair that began in 1996 and despite some huge disappointments along the way, I still love it deep down in my pitch black cockles. However, to acquire this much anticipated item requires parting with some sizable (for me) chunk of change. Okay... 300 bones. Part me of me says: Spend it, bitch. You've been waiting patiently for over a year. It will be worth it. The other, more reasonable part of me says: Don't be a dumb bitch. Do you know what you could do with $300? You could buy something for your house, something for your kid, there are much better ways to spend that money. Or don't spend it. Let go of your youth, don't be so immature.

Another second guessing issue arises when thinking about when I could possibly participate in this activity that I'm considering dropping the bones on. BG, I had all the time in the world to waste or zone out. AG (after G-Money) time is a valuable commodity. I can't participate in this past-time while G is present, that's not cool. It would have to be after bed time, and let's be honest, I'm only good for a couple hours after he goes to sleep. Then there's other things that I could do after he goes to sleep. Maybe catch a movie, read a book, WRITE, binge watch the same show repeatedly. I could easily forgo watching the book tube, but I have a hard time giving up valuable reading time because I still have a giant "to-read" pile that I've been itching to burn through.

In retrospect, this is quite a silly little internal struggle. "First World Problems" some might call it. However, I feel like voicing my guilt over spending my own money on myself might make me come to some sort of "A-HA" moment. What about you guys? Do you ever have any guilt about buying something only for you?