I stopped taking the medication because while on it, I couldn't feel anything. I didn't feel happiness or excitement, or even the giddiness a normal person feels when something pretty awesome is about to happen. I didn't feel sad, I didn't get upset, absolutely nothing phased me. I was, for lack of a better word, numb to everything, I simply, was. I stopped taking it, because I felt like, I should have feelings, feelings about life.
I can't dispute that the medication worked for me, it absolutely did. It's sometimes amazing what scientists and physicians concoct chemically to counteract with a person's internal chemistry to make them come out alright, or at least make it possible for them to walk down the street day after day. I didn't feel those jitters, my heart did not race, it didn't feel like it was going to burst out of my chest. I didn't feel like I was suffocating and drowning. I didn't feel like I was going to die. I wasn't afraid of the next instance, I didn't think about the what ifs. I could walk around the world confidently, like a normal person. I wasn't thinking about my triggers. This last time that I stopped taking it, I thought, I'll work this out naturally. I'll exercise, visualize, breathe, do yoga, check in to natural supplements. There's got to be a more healthy way than eating chemicals. I've exercised, I've visualized, I've breathed. These little steps quell the small instances, but I really can't control those major instances, the ones that feel like they're taking over my entire being.
I'm not sure I can hold out on my own any longer. Those thoughts are returning. The ones that keep me from living my life. The ones that keep me close to home, isolated. I can't help but think, what if I go do this, and I have a meltdown? Surely, I could just leave, but what if I couldn't? All those little what ifs, they really shouldn't matter. Living life is all about the experiences, and if you don't have those experiences, well, you're not really living your life are you?
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