Christmas is only days away. I finished the shopping this past Sunday (mostly.) Wrapping must commence, baking, packaging, etc. It still doesn't feel like Christmas. I keep trying to get in the mood by listening to Christmas songs at my desk, it's not helping. Add in the fact that the weather is a little warmer than normal and there's no snow on the ground and the obvious event that still seems surreal. Today is his birthday, he'd be 29. Dinner plans for the evening to wrap my best friend in love.
Work has been frustrating, I'm letting it stress me out more than I should. It really shouldn't bother me as much as I let it. Although, my boss surprised me with a Christmas something, completely unexpected, but makes me feel appreciated and valued.
I took a leap and sold my Jeep last night, made some cash off it, went and bought a brand new car, 2012 Dodge Caliber. I've never had a brand new car before, they've always been used. As J says, get whatever you want before you turn 30. I've already done so. I purchased my first dslr camera last month and I've fallen in love and now there's a new auto in my life.
There's talks of traveling to New Orleans in February in a group. I'm on the fence about going, for various reasons, but it's somewhere I've always wanted to go. I can't help but think of the photography and the possible material I could garner for my writing. I guess I ought to stop being so wishy washy.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
On Loss
I was oh so looking forward to Thanksgiving weekend. Spending time with my family and friends, attending my ten year high school reunion, relaxing, celebrating J's birthday, not working for four days. All of that came crashing down on Thanksgiving night.
Dinner was amazing. His family and mine gathered around the traditional huge table and feasted on everything we usually do every year. There was laughter, it wasn't as somber as it was last year, it was a flat out great day. Later in the evening, I received a call from my best friend, hysterically telling me that his boyfriend passed away. The scene was one of the most unnerving possible. Shock and anger overtook me, followed by immense grief and sadness. The weekend was a sleep deprived blur, and so was the majority of last week. This unfortunate event put everything in perspective however. It's quite jilting to see someone the same age as you laying in a box. There's confusion and sadness lingering, and concern for my friend who seems to have the worst luck for someone who is such an amazing person.
On one side of the spectrum, I'm feeling very disconnected like I'm a spectator watching everything, the days seem to be passing entirely too quickly. It doesn't feel like Christmas, the cheer is gone this year. On the other end of the spectrum, I find myself trying to make an active point of being engaged because it's abundantly clear that every day matters. The little things that bother me shouldn't matter, and right now they almost don't. This experience has changed me already, I've noticed that I'm a little warmer, and I'd like to stay that way. I always try to keep people at a distance, I don't want anyone to know the true me, well, I guess this is the time to let the walls fall down.
I'll miss the time we spent, and how happy you made him. You were a light in all of our lives and you'll never be forgotten. You're always in our hearts and minds, and we know you'll be with us all the days of our lives.
Dinner was amazing. His family and mine gathered around the traditional huge table and feasted on everything we usually do every year. There was laughter, it wasn't as somber as it was last year, it was a flat out great day. Later in the evening, I received a call from my best friend, hysterically telling me that his boyfriend passed away. The scene was one of the most unnerving possible. Shock and anger overtook me, followed by immense grief and sadness. The weekend was a sleep deprived blur, and so was the majority of last week. This unfortunate event put everything in perspective however. It's quite jilting to see someone the same age as you laying in a box. There's confusion and sadness lingering, and concern for my friend who seems to have the worst luck for someone who is such an amazing person.
On one side of the spectrum, I'm feeling very disconnected like I'm a spectator watching everything, the days seem to be passing entirely too quickly. It doesn't feel like Christmas, the cheer is gone this year. On the other end of the spectrum, I find myself trying to make an active point of being engaged because it's abundantly clear that every day matters. The little things that bother me shouldn't matter, and right now they almost don't. This experience has changed me already, I've noticed that I'm a little warmer, and I'd like to stay that way. I always try to keep people at a distance, I don't want anyone to know the true me, well, I guess this is the time to let the walls fall down.
I'll miss the time we spent, and how happy you made him. You were a light in all of our lives and you'll never be forgotten. You're always in our hearts and minds, and we know you'll be with us all the days of our lives.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
On Realizing Loss
Yes, I think I've finally come to grips with it. The past is, well, in the past. My clique of old school friends has dwindled, everyone has grown up and moved on with their own lives. The only two that remain are my good friend MB and myself. There was another MB in our group, but he has split off, living a whole other world, an hour or so away, and kudos to him. The others, the others are relatively near, and the three of them, they still remain close knit, they see each other regularly, they choose to exclude MB and myself. Despite various efforts to reconnect and bring the circle back together, the three have remained on their own, without any true interest to intermingle.
I suppose this is the way of life, growing up. Things change, people change, situations change. In my naive teenage mind, a decade ago, I had hopes that things wouldn't really change this much, that this situation wouldn't have happened. But in the back of my mind, in that grown up, recessed, dark corner of my mind, I sort of knew, things were going to change drastically.
And now with a ten year high school reunion coming up in a few weeks, I find myself sitting on the fence as to whether or not I want to attend. I find that only MB and I are the only ones considering it. It appears that the majority of the people going are the douche bags we never spoke to while we were in school. So why would we want to pay to spend an evening with these people now? Maybe said douche bags are no longer douchey, or maybe they are douchier than ever. I suppose there's only one way to find out.
I suppose this is the way of life, growing up. Things change, people change, situations change. In my naive teenage mind, a decade ago, I had hopes that things wouldn't really change this much, that this situation wouldn't have happened. But in the back of my mind, in that grown up, recessed, dark corner of my mind, I sort of knew, things were going to change drastically.
And now with a ten year high school reunion coming up in a few weeks, I find myself sitting on the fence as to whether or not I want to attend. I find that only MB and I are the only ones considering it. It appears that the majority of the people going are the douche bags we never spoke to while we were in school. So why would we want to pay to spend an evening with these people now? Maybe said douche bags are no longer douchey, or maybe they are douchier than ever. I suppose there's only one way to find out.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
On NaNoWriMo
It's here again. Last year was my first year participating, and I actually won. "A" for effort right? Of course, there are no prizes or anything, just the satisfaction of writing a whole freakin' novel in a month. Of course, I scoured over it and made changes, did a massive overhaul, did a lot of editing and turned it into my first novel, Stress Test. I'm planning on participating again this year, though I have no illusions about winning. I feel like I'll make a good go of it though, I'll make some massive progress, and at least I'll be able to say that.
Besides, November here in the Mitten is generally a good month for writing. The weather is crappy, it's dark most of the day and it's something to do to keep from being overly depressed. You can't be depressed if your mind of working on something creative right?
Though, on the other hand, I've got the guilt that I'm not spending enough time with my family. That family being, J, and the fur/feather babies. So mostly I think, oh, there will be another day/time to write, I'm going to hang out with J before he goes to work. Or, the dog needs someone to play with him, because the cat is just sitting on the back of the couch like a bump on a log. Other times I think... just give me an hour to write something down, and then I can feel a little accomplishment.
Besides, November here in the Mitten is generally a good month for writing. The weather is crappy, it's dark most of the day and it's something to do to keep from being overly depressed. You can't be depressed if your mind of working on something creative right?
Though, on the other hand, I've got the guilt that I'm not spending enough time with my family. That family being, J, and the fur/feather babies. So mostly I think, oh, there will be another day/time to write, I'm going to hang out with J before he goes to work. Or, the dog needs someone to play with him, because the cat is just sitting on the back of the couch like a bump on a log. Other times I think... just give me an hour to write something down, and then I can feel a little accomplishment.
Friday, October 28, 2011
On Halloween Weekend
Halloween Weekend is finally upon us. Let me just say, Halloween is my favorite holiday and I've been commemorating the holiday by watching cheesy horror/slasher flicks.
Last weekend included the Mt. Clemens Zombie Walk in which I went dressed as a zombie Reagan. Some kid thought I was Nixon... dumbass. In any case, zombie Reagan was a hit, everyone wanted their picture taken with him.
This weekend includes two Halloween parties, one of which is tonight. I'm looking forward to a devilishly ghoulish time. The other party is tomorrow night, still not sure if I'll be attending (way too long of a story.) I may convince the old man to stay home from work and perhaps he and I will go do something ghoulish.
I always try to keep the Halloween spirit around at work. I have a hideous orange corduroy blazer I bought around 6 or 7 years ago, simply because I had to have it because it was so ugly. In any case, I plan to wear that on Monday along with black pants and my standard cheesy pumpkin necklace. I usually get made fun of for dressing the part, but I don't even care because as I said, I enjoy the holiday. Fuck em' if they can't take a joke.
Last weekend included the Mt. Clemens Zombie Walk in which I went dressed as a zombie Reagan. Some kid thought I was Nixon... dumbass. In any case, zombie Reagan was a hit, everyone wanted their picture taken with him.
This weekend includes two Halloween parties, one of which is tonight. I'm looking forward to a devilishly ghoulish time. The other party is tomorrow night, still not sure if I'll be attending (way too long of a story.) I may convince the old man to stay home from work and perhaps he and I will go do something ghoulish.
I always try to keep the Halloween spirit around at work. I have a hideous orange corduroy blazer I bought around 6 or 7 years ago, simply because I had to have it because it was so ugly. In any case, I plan to wear that on Monday along with black pants and my standard cheesy pumpkin necklace. I usually get made fun of for dressing the part, but I don't even care because as I said, I enjoy the holiday. Fuck em' if they can't take a joke.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
On Expanding Horizons
Working full time and sometimes after hours leaves little time and energy for me to do my own work, writing work. Since I decided to do all the book work on my own, publishing, formatting, editing, cover art, advertising, I'm finding myself feeling very lax about actually doing the work. Of course, it's always been a problem of mine, laziness that is, and procrastination. One would think that since this is something I truly want to do for myself, I'd be a little more involved and obsessed with it.
In any case... my mother has been running all over town doing her own version of PR for me. She stopped in a local bookstore and asked if they'd carry my books, and asked about a book signing. I then took her lead and followed up with them. I've got a meeting with one of the owners next Tuesday to discuss putting my books in their store, and possibly setting up a book signing. Granted, a signing should have taken place immediately when the book came out, but initially it wasn't my intention to try and put it in bookstores. Plus, well... it's only been six months, it's still relatively new right?
I have no illusions that I'll ever be somebody, that I'll be able to make a living off of writing (one can hope though,) but at least I'd like to entertain people, and I think I've done just that with the few people who actually took the time to read my book, and for them, I am extremely grateful.
In any case... my mother has been running all over town doing her own version of PR for me. She stopped in a local bookstore and asked if they'd carry my books, and asked about a book signing. I then took her lead and followed up with them. I've got a meeting with one of the owners next Tuesday to discuss putting my books in their store, and possibly setting up a book signing. Granted, a signing should have taken place immediately when the book came out, but initially it wasn't my intention to try and put it in bookstores. Plus, well... it's only been six months, it's still relatively new right?
I have no illusions that I'll ever be somebody, that I'll be able to make a living off of writing (one can hope though,) but at least I'd like to entertain people, and I think I've done just that with the few people who actually took the time to read my book, and for them, I am extremely grateful.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
On False Information
I've tried to advertise the crap out of Stress Test online anyway. I've been pimping it on my Facebook, Twitter, and this blog of course, and from this advertisement I've had a number of people, some of which I haven't seen since high school tell me that they in fact picked up a copy of the book, either via paperback or e-Book. Since we're in the digital revolution, and I've done all the publishing work on my own, I'm able to check the sales out online. According the my sales statistics, these people who claim to have bought the book in fact appear to be liars, with pants constantly on fire, the statistics don't lie my friends. However, I did see that an overwhelming amount of people downloaded the free sample. It's my guess that the ones who've claimed to have bought it just downloaded the free sample.
With this in mind, since I'm working on my second novel, I'm thinking that I'll do what traditional publishers do, just offer the book in physical form maybe for the first year, and then also offer it in e-Book style. Or maybe I'll try to keep up with the integrity of physical books and just offer actual books. On the other hand, that's not exactly environmentally friendly. It's quite a pickle.
I've got another interested book store willing to carry my book, and they may even host a book signing event, they said I could plan it for whenever I want. I'm thinking, maybe the second Saturday in December. It would be perfect for Christmas right? Plus, it would bring people into their store to find Christmas gifts, a win-win perhaps?
With this in mind, since I'm working on my second novel, I'm thinking that I'll do what traditional publishers do, just offer the book in physical form maybe for the first year, and then also offer it in e-Book style. Or maybe I'll try to keep up with the integrity of physical books and just offer actual books. On the other hand, that's not exactly environmentally friendly. It's quite a pickle.
I've got another interested book store willing to carry my book, and they may even host a book signing event, they said I could plan it for whenever I want. I'm thinking, maybe the second Saturday in December. It would be perfect for Christmas right? Plus, it would bring people into their store to find Christmas gifts, a win-win perhaps?
Thursday, October 20, 2011
On Winter Itch
Winter is not nearly in the air, but it's foreboding. It's hanging in the shadows waiting to rear its ugly head. Granted, we've got about two more months of Fall left, but with the recent weather in the Mitten, it's feeling like Winter is not too far behind. I know this jag of weather will pass, we'll see some sun shining days soon, with cooler temps of course, but nothing frigid. But, knowing that Winter is closer than ever brings one's spirits down. Being trapped inside, having to rush through icy air to the next warm place, bundling up to even go outside, it's quite disheartening. However, it's also the natural course of things around here.
Don't get me wrong. I love the beginning of Winter, the first snowfall, getting mesmerized by a snow storm, I look forward to white Christmases, maybe even a snowy New Year, but it's when we get into January, when there's nothing left to look forward to that Winter really drags one's soul down to the depths. It's depressing around here until roughly May. Though, experiencing the four seasons is quite exemplary, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Don't get me wrong. I love the beginning of Winter, the first snowfall, getting mesmerized by a snow storm, I look forward to white Christmases, maybe even a snowy New Year, but it's when we get into January, when there's nothing left to look forward to that Winter really drags one's soul down to the depths. It's depressing around here until roughly May. Though, experiencing the four seasons is quite exemplary, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
On Selling Out
After reading various blogs and new reels on how Amazon is working its way into the publishing racket, I've decided that while I'm proponent of Indie bookstores and everything they stand for, and I love them to pieces by the way, I might as well try to hop on Amazon's train to see if they'll become my publisher.
Granted, my book, Stress Test is currently available on Amazon and it's published through their affiliate, Create Space. But this is me doing everything on my own because I wanted to see what the feedback would be on my first full length novel, and it's been great. I was thinking, I probably won't make much with this debut, and I've been reading that it would be hell to get a traditional publishing house to sign you, I basically wanted to get my story out there, to entertain, and that it has. Now I'm thinking, it's time to take the next step. Even if Amazon doesn't do much advertising, at least I'd have an actual publisher to relinquish some of the work I would have to do, ie: formatting, corrections, etc. Of course, I'm not completely sure that they would even do this, it's something I'll have to research, but what harm could come from submitting my manuscript to see if they'll pick me up? After all, I'd like to think that I've got the potential to make money someday.
On the other end of the spectrum, Amazon might as well be The Man and said Man might be keeping me down. They're throwing their weight around to put a lot of publishing houses, out of business, and of course, potentially book stores, which I don't agree with. I love walking into a book store, specifically the aforementioned Indie stores and getting lost within the stacks to see what kind of gem I can find. I'll even wander around a Barnes & Noble for a while, but those Indie stores really have my heart. I'm not looking for those stores to get shut down, I'm not looking for the traditional print books to disappear, lost to e-Books. In an ideal world everything would remain as-is, but if being affiliated with Amazon to get my name out there, and get me known without having to deal with a traditional publishing house who wouldn't work much for me once a book is published is what I have to do, then so be it.
Granted, my book, Stress Test is currently available on Amazon and it's published through their affiliate, Create Space. But this is me doing everything on my own because I wanted to see what the feedback would be on my first full length novel, and it's been great. I was thinking, I probably won't make much with this debut, and I've been reading that it would be hell to get a traditional publishing house to sign you, I basically wanted to get my story out there, to entertain, and that it has. Now I'm thinking, it's time to take the next step. Even if Amazon doesn't do much advertising, at least I'd have an actual publisher to relinquish some of the work I would have to do, ie: formatting, corrections, etc. Of course, I'm not completely sure that they would even do this, it's something I'll have to research, but what harm could come from submitting my manuscript to see if they'll pick me up? After all, I'd like to think that I've got the potential to make money someday.
On the other end of the spectrum, Amazon might as well be The Man and said Man might be keeping me down. They're throwing their weight around to put a lot of publishing houses, out of business, and of course, potentially book stores, which I don't agree with. I love walking into a book store, specifically the aforementioned Indie stores and getting lost within the stacks to see what kind of gem I can find. I'll even wander around a Barnes & Noble for a while, but those Indie stores really have my heart. I'm not looking for those stores to get shut down, I'm not looking for the traditional print books to disappear, lost to e-Books. In an ideal world everything would remain as-is, but if being affiliated with Amazon to get my name out there, and get me known without having to deal with a traditional publishing house who wouldn't work much for me once a book is published is what I have to do, then so be it.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
On Miracles
Last night Jay got me to watch a documentary on the Gerson Miracle. Normally, I roll my eyes at most documentaries he presents me with, but some are actually quite fascinating, like the one we watched last night. Long story short, the Gerson Miracle consists of a natural diet of raw juices and a few coffee colonics (not so pleasant) to help cure an array of ailments, cancer being one of the big ones. In this documentary were testimonials of people who actually dealt with cancer, some of whom tried chemo, and when that didn't work, were told to go home to die. When they started on the Gerson diet, they started feeling better and fuller of life within days. In time their tumors shrank and disappeared, eventually leaving them cancer free. When weighing your options of poisoning your body with the toxic chemicals involved with chemotherapy or flooding your body with natural, organic foods to restore your healthy cells, which would you really choose?
Jay has been juicing now steadily for most of the year. It's not his strict diet of course, but he does drink a lot of raw juices, getting me to take a sip here and there. It's an acquired taste as we're so prone to having a taste for artificial sweeteners and sugar that something organic tastes like dirt to us, at least it does to me. After watching this documentary though, I really feel that it's worth it to make a point of creating my own juices and mixtures if only on a preventative front. Why should I pad the doctor's pockets with my hard earned money when I can ensure my own health without drugs or chemicals?
Jay has been juicing now steadily for most of the year. It's not his strict diet of course, but he does drink a lot of raw juices, getting me to take a sip here and there. It's an acquired taste as we're so prone to having a taste for artificial sweeteners and sugar that something organic tastes like dirt to us, at least it does to me. After watching this documentary though, I really feel that it's worth it to make a point of creating my own juices and mixtures if only on a preventative front. Why should I pad the doctor's pockets with my hard earned money when I can ensure my own health without drugs or chemicals?
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