On Loss

I was oh so looking forward to Thanksgiving weekend. Spending time with my family and friends, attending my ten year high school reunion, relaxing, celebrating J's birthday, not working for four days. All of that came crashing down on Thanksgiving night.

Dinner was amazing. His family and mine gathered around the traditional huge table and feasted on everything we usually do every year. There was laughter, it wasn't as somber as it was last year, it was a flat out great day. Later in the evening, I received a call from my best friend, hysterically telling me that his boyfriend passed away. The scene was one of the most unnerving possible. Shock and anger overtook me, followed by immense grief and sadness. The weekend was a sleep deprived blur, and so was the majority of last week. This unfortunate event put everything in perspective however. It's quite jilting to see someone the same age as you laying in a box. There's confusion and sadness lingering, and concern for my friend who seems to have the worst luck for someone who is such an amazing person.

On one side of the spectrum, I'm feeling very disconnected like I'm a spectator watching everything, the days seem to be passing entirely too quickly. It doesn't feel like Christmas, the cheer is gone this year. On the other end of the spectrum, I find myself trying to make an active point of being engaged because it's abundantly clear that every day matters. The little things that bother me shouldn't matter, and right now they almost don't. This experience has changed me already, I've noticed that I'm a little warmer, and I'd like to stay that way. I always try to keep people at a distance, I don't want anyone to know the true me, well, I guess this is the time to let the walls fall down.

I'll miss the time we spent, and how happy you made him. You were a light in all of our lives and you'll never be forgotten. You're always in our hearts and minds, and we know you'll be with us all the days of our lives.