On "Finding Out"

Alright, J and I were passively planning on cooking up a kid. I was under the assumption that I was barren since I had several x-rays and scans done on the uterus region in the past for kidney stones. So, I figured, if it happened, it would take a while... boy was I mistaken.

For those of you that know me, you know I don't go over the moon for other people's babies. I prefer peace and quiet, sleeping through the night, and participating in hot doggery when possible. Case in point, there is no such thing as "extreme sledding" this winter with a b-word on board.

I had a sneaking suspicion that I was Prego, not Ragu back at the beginning of October when J and I took our fall vacation to Traverse City. I was feeling a little funky, and the famous shark week had not made its appearance as of yet, though if you must know, it's never generally on time. I didn't think much of it at the time, and enjoyed plenty of samples of wine at the various wineries. We began to joke that I was probably knocked up and he started talking at my gut. I strayed away from jumping into the hot tub with the old folks having a party each night because all I could think about was a lobster boiling in a pot.

Once our vacation was over and shark week still had not arrived, I began to take this kid thing a little more seriously. I dragged J to the drug store to purchase some of those little piss sticks to find out the truth. Since I didn't know how I felt about the whole thing, I was hesitant and quite frankly, didn't want to look in that evil little window because I had a feeling that two lines were going to up instead of one.

Needless to say, I did my business and right away two lines appeared, screaming out at me "bitch, you pregnant." I stared at the stick for a minute in disbelief and then took it out to J with a grim look on my face. "Well?" he asks. I point the stick at him and say, "knocked up." Now, I'll admit that I'm pretty lucky in that my man partner was extremely excited about the whole thing, his face lit up like a little kid getting a lollipop. He didn't fall down on the couch in despair howling "what are we going to do?" like maybe some dudes would do. No, no, no, I did that for him. I immediately burst into tears because I was horrified. All I could think about was the scene in Juno where Rainn Wilson tells Ellen Page as she's shaking her own piss stick, "this is one doodle that can't be undid home skillet."

A few weeks later, as I finally got over the shock, I decided, I should probably go to the lady parts doctor to confirm. Did you know that the doctor won't even see you until you're two months along? Yeah, nothing like leaving you in suspense. In the meantime, I took the other test, just to sure. Sometimes you get a false positive, you know? Oh no, again, right away, two lines. It was like the tests were taunting me.

In any case, if you're one of those chicks who didn't jump up and down upon finding a plus sign or two lines on your pee stick, don't feel bad, you're not alone. But if you're lucky enough to have a baby daddy who is over the moon, count your blessings.