On Relapse

I got roughly ten pages down on the manuscript last week. It was the first time I worked on it in over two months. I suppose since the seasons are changing again and it's cooling down, I might find myself writing more often than not, and I might even meet my goal of finishing the manuscript by the end of the year. Man, I'm only giving myself three months now, we'll see how that pans out.

I feel the anxiety creeping back in. I feel it working it's way back into my bones, into my core. I keep trying to work out it naturally, without medication, by exercising, thinking soothing thoughts, deep breathing, and so on. I'm keeping it somewhat at bay at the moment, it's not affecting me daily... yet, it's not eating at me and causing me to lose twenty pounds again, it's not making me a recluse, afraid to leave the comfort of my home for fear that something might set me off. I've been to two different shrinks, the first one didn't really help, the second one was a bit more helpful admittedly, but there's only so far I could go. I don't think head therapy is too helpful for me. Medication definitely helps, why wouldn't it? However, I don't want to have to rely on a little pill to keep me even keeled, to keep me at bay. While the medication is amazing, it also makes me feel numb because I'm prescribed such a high dosage. I don't feel anger, I don't feel sad, I don't feel overly happy, I just am, and I hate that feeling, which of course is why I decided to go off it again probably six months ago or so. I'd been doing fine up until a few months ago.

I believe my current work situation is setting me off. I know I shouldn't let it. It's just a job, I shouldn't let it get to me, but I mean, I'm here, in this office the majority of my day, forty hours a week, that's a lot of time. It's an admittedly toxic environment, and I've been trying to rid myself of this place, but the current job market being as it is, I can't exactly risk not having a paycheck with my current responsibilities.

So, in the meantime, I'll try to keep the beast at bay so it doesn't get quite as bad as it's been in the past, but there's never any guarantees, it's just a wait and see game.